I tend to want to control everything. Lately I've been listening to others and trying to look at myself through the eyes of those around me. The hardest part is...I don't like what I see. I see a selfish, demanding person who doesn't accept no for an answer and never compromises.
I really don't want to be this way, and I am having trouble accepting that I'm the one that has to do all the work. I'm ticked off at my parents because they never gave me what I needed to feel secure and I'm mad at all sorts of things and events that happened. But, it all still comes back to me being the one that has to change.
I'm working on listening and processing the thoughts before I respond. I'm finding that most of the time no response is necessary. I've come to realize that a lot of people excuse themselves from taking responsibility because they know I will if given long enough. I'm trying to move forward and realize what is my business and what isn't. It's amazing how much I stuck my nose in others' business.
I know this is a long road. I know it's a hard road. But, it's the road I must travel if I want to achieve all I have planned for myself. Hi-ho hi-ho it's back to life I go....
Monday, December 20, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The point is...
"I love the way you lie" is a song by Eminem. Up until recently, I'd have immediately changed the channel if I heard his voice on the radio. Then I was distracted doing something and I couldn't change the channel and I heard the words to his song "Not Afraid". Then, after realizing he really had something intelligent to say, I started venturing out and listening to more of his music. I can honestly say I have a whole new respect for him. Plus, my boss mentioned that he listened to him, I figured it couldn't hurt (as stranger things had ALREADY happened).
I heard the song "I love the way you lie" and something hit home. This describes any marriage that I've been involved in. Four. Wow. But, if you go through the song, it explains exactly what my relationships are like. I've never heard it described so clearly as comparing it to a volcano and a tornado. My husband would be the volcano. I'll explain it first.
Hubby is a patient man. He is predictable and there is warning signs that he's about to go off. If you ignore the warning signs, there is a great chance of tragedy. He's tough, made of rock, but so fragile on the inside. There must be a balance or there is a force of nature to be reckoned with.
Me, I'm not so patient. I'm more like the tornado. You never know when one is going to show up or how much destruction it is going to cause.
To the outside world, I'm just a major bitch. Seems simple enough and people just accept that I'm a horribly unhappy person. The problem is, no one can see inside the storm to see that the comparison to the tornado theory is so close to home, it's like a lightbulb coming on. Sometimes I do something so brilliant that everyone is shocked and can't understand where it came from. I know it's in there and have these emotions that seem to become so violent sometimes that they have a mind of their own.
In therapy I'm learning that this is a gift, not a curse. The fight inside of myself trying to control the direction of the emotion is tremendous. I feel a constant desire to create as much damage as I can to remind myself how badass I am, but forget that I hurt those around me when I lose control. It's easier to live life explaining the shortfall of myself and accepting that I'm just not good enough. Standing up after being knocked down is hard and when life throws things at you that you can't handle... it becomes unbearable.
Realizing how much of my life is truly controlled by emotion and how those around me feed off of it and use their own manipulation to satisfy this need for dramatics. I'm seeing the effect it has on my children and that alone is enough reason for me to figure out how to behave like a healthy person.
Part of the dread is fear. I'm scared of not trying to control everything. I've had things happen in my life that I couldn't control and they hurt me so bad. My mother left when I was little, which I believe is the traumatic event that triggered my self loathing, and I've been saying "shame on you" to myself every since. When Junior died and then my step-father, I felt like I was being punished for my actions as a teen. Then my stepmother blatantly told me that it was my payment. Learning that believing that helps me hold on to the pain was a shock. I truly didn't believe it when I heard it. Then I started reading more and more about codependence and started trying to filter what comes out of my mouth and I noticed a change.
I'm exhausted and hope to write more soon. I have missed expressing my emotions and maybe this will help me to rid myself of the panic of not having any control. At least I can control my blog. :)
I heard the song "I love the way you lie" and something hit home. This describes any marriage that I've been involved in. Four. Wow. But, if you go through the song, it explains exactly what my relationships are like. I've never heard it described so clearly as comparing it to a volcano and a tornado. My husband would be the volcano. I'll explain it first.
Hubby is a patient man. He is predictable and there is warning signs that he's about to go off. If you ignore the warning signs, there is a great chance of tragedy. He's tough, made of rock, but so fragile on the inside. There must be a balance or there is a force of nature to be reckoned with.
Me, I'm not so patient. I'm more like the tornado. You never know when one is going to show up or how much destruction it is going to cause.
To the outside world, I'm just a major bitch. Seems simple enough and people just accept that I'm a horribly unhappy person. The problem is, no one can see inside the storm to see that the comparison to the tornado theory is so close to home, it's like a lightbulb coming on. Sometimes I do something so brilliant that everyone is shocked and can't understand where it came from. I know it's in there and have these emotions that seem to become so violent sometimes that they have a mind of their own.
In therapy I'm learning that this is a gift, not a curse. The fight inside of myself trying to control the direction of the emotion is tremendous. I feel a constant desire to create as much damage as I can to remind myself how badass I am, but forget that I hurt those around me when I lose control. It's easier to live life explaining the shortfall of myself and accepting that I'm just not good enough. Standing up after being knocked down is hard and when life throws things at you that you can't handle... it becomes unbearable.
Realizing how much of my life is truly controlled by emotion and how those around me feed off of it and use their own manipulation to satisfy this need for dramatics. I'm seeing the effect it has on my children and that alone is enough reason for me to figure out how to behave like a healthy person.
Part of the dread is fear. I'm scared of not trying to control everything. I've had things happen in my life that I couldn't control and they hurt me so bad. My mother left when I was little, which I believe is the traumatic event that triggered my self loathing, and I've been saying "shame on you" to myself every since. When Junior died and then my step-father, I felt like I was being punished for my actions as a teen. Then my stepmother blatantly told me that it was my payment. Learning that believing that helps me hold on to the pain was a shock. I truly didn't believe it when I heard it. Then I started reading more and more about codependence and started trying to filter what comes out of my mouth and I noticed a change.
I'm exhausted and hope to write more soon. I have missed expressing my emotions and maybe this will help me to rid myself of the panic of not having any control. At least I can control my blog. :)
Friday, July 2, 2010
Long day, but somehow ended up where I need to be...
Had a long day at work, but I survived. Now I'm sitting in bed next to the hubby and he's playing video games and I'm blaring my music (headphones, of course) and blogging. I'm looking so forward to this weekend. Three days and an agreeable family that the house needs a thorough cleaning.
I went to six flags yesterday with a friend I haven't seen in like 15 years. I was terrified when we got together we'd not know what to say and or have anything to talk about. Just the opposite happened. We talked and talked. She's just as cool as I remember.
I got to meet her kids. It is cool seeing people I grew up with with older kids. I see their parents inside of them. It makes me smile that I have friends that are still around. It's like a friend, only with roots. There's so much more security in knowing someone forever and having that foundation. I tend to forget that everyone doesn't have that. I'm lucky in that aspect. I've had a friend since I was a minute old. My twin sister has to be my closest friend for the longest.
I've had this desire to go dancing for a while now. A couple of years ago I asked hubby if he'd take dancing lessons. He agreed that he'd do it in the future sometime. I wonder if I can talk him into it. I miss dancing. I miss that excitement and adrenaline that comes with being led around the dance floor. I miss the sexiness of dirty dancing. I don't think I've ever dated anyone that had a clue how to dance. I remember back in high school, girls got jealous from how I danced with their boyfriends.
My husband mentioned he was almost 40 today. He's only 37, but that made me realize how old we're getting. I feel frustrated because there's still part of me searching for what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know what I was put here for. Don't have a clue. I know what I'm doing, but don't have a clue in what direction I should be traveling. My therapist said we needed to talk about "life purpose" in one of our sessions. He also recommended that I begin going to AA meetings. I've expressed an interest and he asked me to participate in a recovery program he is starting in January of next year. I have fear issues, so it's hard for me to go to a room full of people and not freak out. I've asked hubby to go with me. I think it'd do both of us some good. Am hoping he comes around and goes. But, if not, I might try to force myself to swallow the fear and go.
Well, going to go facebook for a while. Man, how did I live before facebook became a verb?
I went to six flags yesterday with a friend I haven't seen in like 15 years. I was terrified when we got together we'd not know what to say and or have anything to talk about. Just the opposite happened. We talked and talked. She's just as cool as I remember.
I got to meet her kids. It is cool seeing people I grew up with with older kids. I see their parents inside of them. It makes me smile that I have friends that are still around. It's like a friend, only with roots. There's so much more security in knowing someone forever and having that foundation. I tend to forget that everyone doesn't have that. I'm lucky in that aspect. I've had a friend since I was a minute old. My twin sister has to be my closest friend for the longest.
I've had this desire to go dancing for a while now. A couple of years ago I asked hubby if he'd take dancing lessons. He agreed that he'd do it in the future sometime. I wonder if I can talk him into it. I miss dancing. I miss that excitement and adrenaline that comes with being led around the dance floor. I miss the sexiness of dirty dancing. I don't think I've ever dated anyone that had a clue how to dance. I remember back in high school, girls got jealous from how I danced with their boyfriends.
My husband mentioned he was almost 40 today. He's only 37, but that made me realize how old we're getting. I feel frustrated because there's still part of me searching for what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know what I was put here for. Don't have a clue. I know what I'm doing, but don't have a clue in what direction I should be traveling. My therapist said we needed to talk about "life purpose" in one of our sessions. He also recommended that I begin going to AA meetings. I've expressed an interest and he asked me to participate in a recovery program he is starting in January of next year. I have fear issues, so it's hard for me to go to a room full of people and not freak out. I've asked hubby to go with me. I think it'd do both of us some good. Am hoping he comes around and goes. But, if not, I might try to force myself to swallow the fear and go.
Well, going to go facebook for a while. Man, how did I live before facebook became a verb?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Ugh
What is it about porn that bothers me so much? I actually enjoy aspects and results, but am horribly offended when someone I'm with views it. I know part of it is the insecurity and feeling inferior to the women in most porn. I'm not as sexy as they are and then worry that I'm not wanted due to my lack of sexiness.
Maybe I'm just sexually retarded. I've always had issues with sex, dating all the way back to when I was 12. I know when I even think about my spouse watching it, I feel the rage starting to build up inside of me. Another aspect that bothers me is that people will lie to me about it and then try to excuse the action by explaining they knew I'd be upset. So, in essence, they are lying to me to protect myself. From what they are doing and know I'd be upset about doing, so they must lie.
This is so hard for me and has been for many years. I don't know if it's normal for a man to do that. It's so accessible, you can even get it on your cell phone. It's everywhere. I feel like a spouse shouldn't have the free reign to watch what they wish, I feel like it's disrespectful to the wife. I can see the draw to get caught up in the fantasy, but reality still exists and I still hurt.
I think I'm going to bring this up in therapy next week. There has to be a better way to deal with it. I know I have trust issues, but don't know if that is because of me or because of the memories of lies. Dang it, I wished there was a button that I could push that would turn my emotions off. They drive me crazy sometimes.
Maybe I'm just sexually retarded. I've always had issues with sex, dating all the way back to when I was 12. I know when I even think about my spouse watching it, I feel the rage starting to build up inside of me. Another aspect that bothers me is that people will lie to me about it and then try to excuse the action by explaining they knew I'd be upset. So, in essence, they are lying to me to protect myself. From what they are doing and know I'd be upset about doing, so they must lie.
This is so hard for me and has been for many years. I don't know if it's normal for a man to do that. It's so accessible, you can even get it on your cell phone. It's everywhere. I feel like a spouse shouldn't have the free reign to watch what they wish, I feel like it's disrespectful to the wife. I can see the draw to get caught up in the fantasy, but reality still exists and I still hurt.
I think I'm going to bring this up in therapy next week. There has to be a better way to deal with it. I know I have trust issues, but don't know if that is because of me or because of the memories of lies. Dang it, I wished there was a button that I could push that would turn my emotions off. They drive me crazy sometimes.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I really hate being sick
I have been down for a couple of days with food poisoning. That's what they said it was. I seriously hate being sick.
I go to therapy tomorrow. I feel like it's been so long since I've been. I know in my head it's only been two weeks, but so much has happened in that two weeks. Last weekend I went home to help my dad unpack in his new house. We were sitting on his front porch talking and we started talking about when I was a kid. I brought up the subject of how we were treated when we were kids. I don't remember much of my childhood, nothing before my mother walked out.
He started telling me stories of how my twin sister used to follow me around. He laughed and said I was always the leader. He was smiling as he told me of the messes we made. He looked at me suddenly then and asked what happened between me and you. I was scared, but I just looked at him and said "you didn't know how to talk to me". I explained (like my therapist has to me) how when I'm told to do something, I can't logically justify doing it until I have the reasoning behind it. There are a lot of people out there with that personality quirk, and sometimes parents are patient enough to develop open communication and some aren't. My father was raised with the "because I said so" answer being acceptable.
I'm learning that I have major communication issues and don't usually say what I really mean. My insecurities make it so I don't feel like I'm worth reaching out to, so I feel like I have to manipulate people to get them to do what I want. I try to control everything and have it my way. It's a hard habit to break and it's a lot easier to point out the flaws in those around me.
I'm hoping to not feel so lost. I don't like being sick because then I spend the time feeling guilty for taking the time off work and trying to figure out if I'm really sick or just being lazy. Was I really sick enough today to warrant a day off? I keep reminding myself that since I was up half the night, it's ok. I truly am sick. Even the clinic says so. Why, then, do I still have this guilt?
Hubby and I are learning how to communicate better. He's learning to question my motives and accept my answers when I tell him it's not him. It's a start. I know in my heart I'm on the right path. Just have to find the strength to stay there...
I go to therapy tomorrow. I feel like it's been so long since I've been. I know in my head it's only been two weeks, but so much has happened in that two weeks. Last weekend I went home to help my dad unpack in his new house. We were sitting on his front porch talking and we started talking about when I was a kid. I brought up the subject of how we were treated when we were kids. I don't remember much of my childhood, nothing before my mother walked out.
He started telling me stories of how my twin sister used to follow me around. He laughed and said I was always the leader. He was smiling as he told me of the messes we made. He looked at me suddenly then and asked what happened between me and you. I was scared, but I just looked at him and said "you didn't know how to talk to me". I explained (like my therapist has to me) how when I'm told to do something, I can't logically justify doing it until I have the reasoning behind it. There are a lot of people out there with that personality quirk, and sometimes parents are patient enough to develop open communication and some aren't. My father was raised with the "because I said so" answer being acceptable.
I'm learning that I have major communication issues and don't usually say what I really mean. My insecurities make it so I don't feel like I'm worth reaching out to, so I feel like I have to manipulate people to get them to do what I want. I try to control everything and have it my way. It's a hard habit to break and it's a lot easier to point out the flaws in those around me.
I'm hoping to not feel so lost. I don't like being sick because then I spend the time feeling guilty for taking the time off work and trying to figure out if I'm really sick or just being lazy. Was I really sick enough today to warrant a day off? I keep reminding myself that since I was up half the night, it's ok. I truly am sick. Even the clinic says so. Why, then, do I still have this guilt?
Hubby and I are learning how to communicate better. He's learning to question my motives and accept my answers when I tell him it's not him. It's a start. I know in my heart I'm on the right path. Just have to find the strength to stay there...
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Dishes aren't completely done...
But, most of them are either done or in the drain rack. The three dogs are clean and the fishtank has gotten somewhat of a makeover. Of course we only have 2 of the original 30 something fish we had in there still living, but at least when we put more in the tank, we'll be prepared. Oh, the fun of pets.
I heard an ad on the radio today that told the story of how memorial day started and why it is in this part of the year. It was just after the civil war and people waited for the snow to melt to bury their dead. The graves were dug and the soldiers laid to rest. Then, annually after that, they would come out in late May and put flowers on the graves, after the snow melted. Hm. It wasn't actually a national holiday until sometime in the 50's, I believe.
Soon I have to get started on a website for the company. I know it's only going to take a bit of time, but it's hard and I don't have Boyce to do it for me. Selfish, I know, but he could do it in about 1/25 of the time it will take me.
I heard an ad on the radio today that told the story of how memorial day started and why it is in this part of the year. It was just after the civil war and people waited for the snow to melt to bury their dead. The graves were dug and the soldiers laid to rest. Then, annually after that, they would come out in late May and put flowers on the graves, after the snow melted. Hm. It wasn't actually a national holiday until sometime in the 50's, I believe.
Soon I have to get started on a website for the company. I know it's only going to take a bit of time, but it's hard and I don't have Boyce to do it for me. Selfish, I know, but he could do it in about 1/25 of the time it will take me.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Who knows what will come out
It's like something is missing and I can't figure what it is. I know I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut when it comes to Brandon. Geoff is scared and I want to support him, but I want to fix it even more. I'm not good at sitting and watching people I care about hurt. I'm just not any good at it. I tend to do whatever is necessary to fix the problem.
I feel like I'm waiting for something that I know is coming, just don't have a clue what it is or where it is coming from. In therapy, my shrink has been pounding in my head to give up control of all things and let them happen. I'm not creating any situations for me to solve and life should be fairly wonderful at this point.
The anxiety inside is frustrating and I'm so tempted to give in to the urge to start doing things to let me be in control of my situation. I miss the girls. Rose went to her dad's parents house. She's having a blast. That's almost a guarantee. BJ is safe with Kaci. I know Kaci is going to take super good care of her and that she's going to have a blast up there. Austin is playing video games with his dad and I'm on my laptop playing music and blogging. I know there is not anything that is going on that I have to worry about.
Yet my head is going in circles trying to figure out something to fix and/or do. I'm going to assume this would mean that I'm bored. I hate not knowing what is coming or what I did to make what is about to happen happen. Does that even make sense to a normal person?
Dishes need to be done and fish tank needs to be cleaned out and a bunch of stuff done to it. Dogs need baths and laundry needs to be started. Yeah, life goes on. Might as well go with it...
I feel like I'm waiting for something that I know is coming, just don't have a clue what it is or where it is coming from. In therapy, my shrink has been pounding in my head to give up control of all things and let them happen. I'm not creating any situations for me to solve and life should be fairly wonderful at this point.
The anxiety inside is frustrating and I'm so tempted to give in to the urge to start doing things to let me be in control of my situation. I miss the girls. Rose went to her dad's parents house. She's having a blast. That's almost a guarantee. BJ is safe with Kaci. I know Kaci is going to take super good care of her and that she's going to have a blast up there. Austin is playing video games with his dad and I'm on my laptop playing music and blogging. I know there is not anything that is going on that I have to worry about.
Yet my head is going in circles trying to figure out something to fix and/or do. I'm going to assume this would mean that I'm bored. I hate not knowing what is coming or what I did to make what is about to happen happen. Does that even make sense to a normal person?
Dishes need to be done and fish tank needs to be cleaned out and a bunch of stuff done to it. Dogs need baths and laundry needs to be started. Yeah, life goes on. Might as well go with it...
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