I really hate being sick

I have been down for a couple of days with food poisoning. That's what they said it was. I seriously hate being sick.

I go to therapy tomorrow. I feel like it's been so long since I've been. I know in my head it's only been two weeks, but so much has happened in that two weeks. Last weekend I went home to help my dad unpack in his new house. We were sitting on his front porch talking and we started talking about when I was a kid. I brought up the subject of how we were treated when we were kids. I don't remember much of my childhood, nothing before my mother walked out.

He started telling me stories of how my twin sister used to follow me around. He laughed and said I was always the leader. He was smiling as he told me of the messes we made. He looked at me suddenly then and asked what happened between me and you. I was scared, but I just looked at him and said "you didn't know how to talk to me". I explained (like my therapist has to me) how when I'm told to do something, I can't logically justify doing it until I have the reasoning behind it. There are a lot of people out there with that personality quirk, and sometimes parents are patient enough to develop open communication and some aren't. My father was raised with the "because I said so" answer being acceptable.

I'm learning that I have major communication issues and don't usually say what I really mean. My insecurities make it so I don't feel like I'm worth reaching out to, so I feel like I have to manipulate people to get them to do what I want. I try to control everything and have it my way. It's a hard habit to break and it's a lot easier to point out the flaws in those around me.

I'm hoping to not feel so lost. I don't like being sick because then I spend the time feeling guilty for taking the time off work and trying to figure out if I'm really sick or just being lazy. Was I really sick enough today to warrant a day off? I keep reminding myself that since I was up half the night, it's ok. I truly am sick. Even the clinic says so. Why, then, do I still have this guilt?

Hubby and I are learning how to communicate better. He's learning to question my motives and accept my answers when I tell him it's not him. It's a start. I know in my heart I'm on the right path. Just have to find the strength to stay there...