Monday, October 26, 2009

Yesterday was the day from hell... So glad it's over, just scared it's going to happen again

Life doesn't go the way I want it to. I have become accustomed to that. But, it's days like yesterday that make me want to go away from everyone and everything I've ever known and just keep running.

I'm not going to publicize what happened because it would humiliate me and someone close to me. I'll just say that someone hurt me by doing something I never thought they would do. It was a shock to my system and I'm still having a hard time coming to terms with my commitment to forgive.

Why is it people so readily hurt us? Then, when called on it, they blame others for their actions. What happened to taking responsibility for our own actions. I'm the queen of this, so I can't blame others for doing it, but it hurts so bad when someone does something to hurt you and their response is that it's YOUR fault they did. I know it's a cop-out but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I had thought I found someone that loved me for who I am. Instead, they love the good parts and can't stand the other side of me. I know time heals all wounds and someday I'll look back and not have this huge feeling of dissapointment. I can't be honest with this person and let them know how I'm feeling. Instead, I've got to do the "I'm fine" thing for a while and hope I can find a way to accept the things I can not change and learn to live with the actions that can not be undone.

It's like once I "KNEW" that everything was going to be ok and now it's in the back of my mind "what if it doesn't work out..." My brain is trying to figure out what I'm going to do if it falls through. I know it's not fair and I should have faith that it is going to work, but I'm so tired of the vicious cycle I keep finding myself on in relationships.

I take the blame for a lot of the problem. I am immature and selfish and want everything my way and throw a fit if I don't get it. True. But, sometimes, I just wonder how all the problems in all the relationships I have can be my fault. I'm having a pity party, so I'll stop now. Just hate feeling this way. Never good enough.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Living to only my expectations

Yesterday, my husband's ex wife called him and told him she wanted their daughter to come live with her. Not their son, but just the girl. He quoted her as saying "She needs her mother right now."
It's hard for me to relate. She's not made an effort to see the kids unless it's a scheduled holiday or we are making a trip close to where she lives. She told the kids when she left this weekend that she's going to try to start visiting at least once a month.
The anger that was inside of me is almost gone. I was taking it personally that she should expect us to just let our daughter go live with her. I read some articles last night on the best ways to handle ex's and I realized that I was expecting her to work as hard at being a mother as I do. In realizing this, I've found peace in knowing a few things. Some women shouldn't be moms. Period. They are too self absorbed and focus only on their own wants. Sometimes this behavior isn't intentional, it is just simply how they are. I also learned that we all make decisions we have to live with for the rest of our lives. Some of the decisions others make effect us. I'm learning to realize when and if changing a situation is within my power.
When the idea of my little girl being taken came up, I was furious. But, then I remembered how much joy she brings into my life and understand now that her own mother doesn't get to see that. But, on the same token, she made choices to let the children live with my husband and the courts agreed that it was a good idea. I went into freak out mode and that does no one any good. Hubby and I had a very logical and honest talk about it last night. We both want what is best for all three of our kids. As parents, we are committed to making their lives the best it can be. When another situation arises that we feel would suit them better, we will consider changing where we are. Until then, we'll continue to be the best parents we can and be there for our children when they hurt.
I'm not allowing myself to get wrapped up in the what if's and maybes. There's no sense in it and I can live without the drama the fear causes. That's one of the biggest lessons I learned from the article. Be the best parent you can be without trying to replace the parent that is not a constant in the kids' lives. I want to be the best wife to my husband and the best caretaker I can of the children. All three of them. Not just mine, but I am going to start focusing on my actions and behaviors and not take into consideration how much or how little the other parents involved put into their lives.
It's so hard because I can go on and on about how it's not fair. To do this would be futile, though, as I can't alter another person's behavior with words. People don't change until they have decided there is something inside of them they want to be different. Anything I tell either of the ex's that are also biologically involved is not going to be taken seriously, just defended and thus begins the cycle all over again.
I'm going to make a real effort to be nice to his ex. Not that she deserves it, but because my children need to see me respecting her. I expect them to respect her and I should do the same thing. It's a hard part of the growing up stage that I'm in, but it's one that I'm sure will make me a better person.
I pray nightly for our children's happiness. I'm learning that knowledge is power and the more I learn, the more respected and confident I feel. I want to be the best Mom, Step-Mom and Wife that I can be. When I'm being all I can be in those situations, it spills over into other parts of my life. Work seems to go by easier and school isn't such a pain in the butt.
I finally see who I want to be and now it's up to me to get there. I've set the bar high, but know that with the help of my family and friends, I'll achieve this goal. I'll need plenty of strength and patience, which are absent a lot in my life, but know that this journey will make me a better person.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Life as of today...

Some days it's harder than others to be strong. I watched my baby girl go through what I did as a child.Watching a mother leave. It's not that I don't know she'll be ok, it's that my heart aches for her and I know there is absolutely nothing I can do. I can't say anything that will make her feel better. She said it best herself when she said "Mommy's the only one that can make it better, and she can't because she's not here."
I understand this pain because I have a mother that views herself more important than her children. For years, I've been so angry. Lately, through my pscyh and sociology classes, I've learned that some people are just wired different than I am. I can't imagine going through life without seeing my children.
I can't be sure what causes my drive. I have a lot of rage built up towards my kids' mom. It's like the feelings of my childhood come back in watching my daughter cry. I know how bad she is hurting, and like I said before, there's NOTHING I can do to make it better. Nothing. Period.
If you know me, you know I fix things. If you tell me something that is wrong, I fix it. I take this to an extreme, as I do many things in my life, and get myself in trouble trying to fix other people's problems. I'm learning that there is a time and a place to step in. Some people don't want help and they don't want things to get better. I have to remind myself that I was the person that was constantly screwing things up in my life and not taking other people's feelings into consideration. I only thought of how I felt and what I wanted. My decisions were based off what I wanted and what I was willing to go through to get there.
When I married Geoff, he didn't give into me. Everyone before him accepted that I was a spoiled brat and tried to live with me. I had to forgive a lot of mistakes I made in using the people that were only trying to love me. I wasted years of their lives and hurt a lot of people. Learning to use that repulsion of who I was to make myself a better person today.
I put my daughter in the same situation I was in. I don't live with her father, but hope that someday she understands. I know he loves her and is the best father for her. She loves my husband with all her heart and is overall a happy child. My husband's children are a godsend. I still have my ex-husband's oldest daughter in my life. My ex husband is wonderful in a lot of ways. He's not a bad guy. He's just not the man I was meant to be with.
I watch my parents go through this divorce and I see everyone in my family hurting. I know they are not wanting to hurt anyone, it's just that the situation has gotten bad enough that they can't stand it anymore. It makes me sad that they have been miserable this long. I just want all of us to be happy. I want to not be scared of callin someone because of what they will say. I don't want to have to filter all the words that come out of my mouth because I'm scared it's going to sound like I'm taking sides of one of my parents. I'm scared of feeling like I can relate and then knowing that it's something about myself that I don't like that relates to them.
I just want all this pain in my life gone. It's like I have to be strong to make it through the day at my job and at school and take care of the household and my mother. But, I'm goin to try as hard as I can to keep it together and be as strong as I can for everyone that I love. My husband has been wonderful. He's been honest with me, even when it wasn't nice... and he's listened to me and been my best friend. I'm so glad we found each other in this crazy, crazy world.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Friends - Or lack thereof..

I just got done talking to a friend that I haven't talked to in years.

She probably thinks I'm a nut, but hopefully she doesn't take me being me as too aukward. I am kinda different.

Recognizing her and also making contact with another friend from high school that never judged me is hard at this point in life. I have hundreds of people who will tell you they are my friend, but unfortunately they just like me because of what I can get for them or do for them.

People suck. As a general rule, I don't like new people. I talk to my family and one friend from high school on a regular basis. The girl I do talk to is the one that was at war with my sister for her husband (they've been married now for like 13 years) throughout high school and still holds a grudge. The only reason I really think we're as "close" as we are is so that she can keep up with how my sister's married life is. Everyone's got a reason, right?

As I was feeling sorry for myself the other day, for not having any friends that didn't just like me because I'm cool as hell (which I am), I remembered a girl that was always nice to me and always had kind words. Never once did we argue or fight. When I moved away when I was 15, I lost touch. She graduated and moved on with her life. Honestly I hadn't given much thought to her in the last 16 years. Then, the other day, I started thinking about her and wondering how nice it would be if I had a friend like that now. I have a few people that I can talk to if necessary, but it's hard being surrounded by friends and still feeling lonely.

The two friends... you are good friends... I'm so glad that we are in touch again and know that I'll never forget how great you were to me all those years ago. I am still thankful. Hope we get to know each other all over again. You guys rock!