Yesterday was the day from hell... So glad it's over, just scared it's going to happen again

Life doesn't go the way I want it to. I have become accustomed to that. But, it's days like yesterday that make me want to go away from everyone and everything I've ever known and just keep running.

I'm not going to publicize what happened because it would humiliate me and someone close to me. I'll just say that someone hurt me by doing something I never thought they would do. It was a shock to my system and I'm still having a hard time coming to terms with my commitment to forgive.

Why is it people so readily hurt us? Then, when called on it, they blame others for their actions. What happened to taking responsibility for our own actions. I'm the queen of this, so I can't blame others for doing it, but it hurts so bad when someone does something to hurt you and their response is that it's YOUR fault they did. I know it's a cop-out but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I had thought I found someone that loved me for who I am. Instead, they love the good parts and can't stand the other side of me. I know time heals all wounds and someday I'll look back and not have this huge feeling of dissapointment. I can't be honest with this person and let them know how I'm feeling. Instead, I've got to do the "I'm fine" thing for a while and hope I can find a way to accept the things I can not change and learn to live with the actions that can not be undone.

It's like once I "KNEW" that everything was going to be ok and now it's in the back of my mind "what if it doesn't work out..." My brain is trying to figure out what I'm going to do if it falls through. I know it's not fair and I should have faith that it is going to work, but I'm so tired of the vicious cycle I keep finding myself on in relationships.

I take the blame for a lot of the problem. I am immature and selfish and want everything my way and throw a fit if I don't get it. True. But, sometimes, I just wonder how all the problems in all the relationships I have can be my fault. I'm having a pity party, so I'll stop now. Just hate feeling this way. Never good enough.