tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35633196673590873052024-02-08T12:09:23.831-06:00Ice Princess' Deep ThoughtsAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-8360969193988382882013-01-19T02:05:00.004-06:002013-01-19T02:06:25.284-06:001/19/13<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
A positive attitude is not natural to me. I must remind myself daily that I am blessed and force myself not to focus on the heavy thoughts that constantly bombard my mind. Someone once said that demons were all around and I thought they were crazy. I dismissed the thought as insanity and laughed at the thought. I was miserable on the inside and used my time to explain how others were so much worse than I was. Never did I realize the demons were ruling where my mind wandered.<br />
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I am proud of the accomplishments of my life. I realize the moments in my life that changed everything came when I ignored the negative and dug deep inside to find courage to do something the voices said I couldn't do. I constantly listen to sermons and force myself to seek positive influences in my life. Being positive and focusing on the blessings I have in my life.<br />
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I tell my children constantly that for every positive there is a negative. Since losing my father and forcing myself to not run from responsibility has opened my eyes to a whole new sense of pride. I am learning that the negative for all the positive in my life is the lack of laziness in my life currently.<br />
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True happiness is a sense of pride in knowing you have done the right thing. Not making excuses for the lack of action or intent.<br />
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There are people in my life who have let me down. Hard. Dropped me and felt no remorse due to the darkness inside of them. They taught me the problems of the world are not my responsibility and my actions do not have to be accounted for if there is an excuse.<br />
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I am tired of the excuses. Life is hard and I know there will be times that I'm not as positive as I should be, but I look forward to the challenge of being the woman I dream to be. I find strength in the people who have chosen to stand by me. I mourn the loss of those who don't embrace my new outlook. Some have given up on me and ignore my existence. Through the pain, I will be stronger. <br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-58232490648974438882013-01-07T12:47:00.000-06:002013-01-07T12:47:13.484-06:00Peaks, Pits, Praises and Prayers - Day 7<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Missed yesterday because it took ALL DAY to drive around Dallas and get the parts to do a tune up on my van. I am exhausted, but am thrilled with driving now. It doesn't sputter and shake while I'm driving. Cylinder #3 is fixed!! Thanks to hubby's friend that did the work! His wife is 8.5 months pregnant and ended up going to the hospital for dehydration while we were there. Keeping her lifted up in prayer.<br />
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Peak today - Hanging out with hubby this morning before he left for work. Usually we're off in our own directions and as soon as I start working full time, I'll be leaving the house when I take the kids to school and won't be home until after business hours. I'm trying to use this time to hang and get all done that I need to get done- while I still have a bit of free time. Trying to tie up all the loose ends and make all the calls that I've been putting off. Still have a couple to make, but forcing myself to commit to putting this down every day. <br />
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Pit: Hearing that my twin sister is having to learn to ignore the negative things said about her. She's got her faults, but people take advantage of her and she's too nice to say anything. She posted on Facebook this morning that she's going to stop letting people walk all over her. She's such a good and giving person. She will do just about anything, but she has a lot of insecurities and for a long time those have ruled her life. She's started showing more independence since her daughter and our dad died. She's starting school and gaining more and more confidence. I'm so proud of her. It's a pit, but it's a wonderful step up for her to realize that you don't have to be nice to everyone. Sometimes people have to be told no and not allowed to walk all over people. Even if she has to be rude.<br />
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Praises: My cousin is adjusting to feeding and has a appointment for her newborn daughter. She's had her at home for 2 days and is doing great. It's great to text her or just chat with her on Facebook. I met her when she was 13 and am so grateful I have been reintroduced into her life. I pray for her guidance and happiness in the future.<br />
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The kids. I'm so proud of the kids in this house. My youngest spent the last weekend at her dad's house (she's my only biological daughter) and my husband's son and daughter were home with us. I feel so bad about dragging them all over yesterday to get the van fixed, but no more shaking! They got to hang out with hubby's friends' kids anyway. It is so nice to have everyone being nice to each other and respecting each other. We are all learning how to respect each other and not talk to each other disrespectfully.<br />
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Prayers: I pray for my husband and I's continued growth. I pray for our family's safety. I pray for my nephew, who turns 15 next weekend. I pray for our safety on our family vacation later this week. I pray for forgiveness for all of my selfish, ungodly decisions. I pray for wisdom to be able to control my temper. I pray for the self control to keep my mouth shut when I don't have anything constructive to say or a nice way to say it. I pray for my mind to beat my mouth when I get frustrated. I pray for guidance to become a healthier individual. I thank you for all that you have blessed me with. I know I have more than I need and I want to thank God for blessing me so abundantly. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-30026661326814499262013-01-05T19:36:00.001-06:002013-01-05T19:36:15.726-06:00Peaks, Pits, Praises and Prayers - Day 5<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I missed day 4. Go figure. But, I'm learning to be flexible, so just know I'll try to keep myself on track better in the future.<br />
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Peak: Picking my 11 year old daughter up from her very first lock in. It irritated me that they had you pick up your kid at 7:00 a.m., but it was worth getting up at 6 a.m. on a Saturday to see a happy girl. She passed out in the car within a couple of minutes (literally) and slept most of the day away. She had a really good time and I am so glad we could give her this memory.<br />
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Pit: The frustrating time I spent with my 13 year old step-son completing his school work. I learned something about myself that I didn't like and decided today to do something about it. (Background: He has a really hard time with grades and has been grounded consistently for about 4 years due to failing grades. He has two weeks left in this six weeks to bring his currently failing 2 core class grades up. We are up from failing all of his classes, so he's moving in the right direction. It's just not going as fast as I'd like.) I learned that a lot of time I just give him a vague instruction and then lecture him and bug him about completing the task. Today I was very specific in what he had to do. I was patient when he tried to find excuses why he couldn't do it and even had to tell my husband to back off because he was mad because I was making him go back and redo it. Hubby was mad because the boy was being very rude, but I tried to see the positive. I told hubby how he was being a jerk, but for the first time in years, he's actually willingly doing the changes and completing the assignment. He did all the work and got it done, so that part isn't a pit, but the process of forcing myself to be patient and understanding was hard work. Today it was the pits.<br />
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Praises: I am thankful for this new insight into my life. I'm thankful I have a husband that loves me and does things when he can see I don't feel like doing it. After dealing with the boy most of the day, hubby just got up and fixed dinner. Didn't even have to ask. The kids are respecting us more and we are getting along great. I was teasing him earlier and said "How did we end up so lucky?" Instead of his usual response of "I don't know", he said "Maybe it's Karma. Maybe we had to put up with all the crap to get lucky enough to find this." That makes a heart feel good. Especially when my husband isn't the "romantic" type and rarely says that ultimately cool thing at exactly the right time. Reminds me that I am truly blessed and I love him more and never knew someone could make me feel this way.<br />
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Prayers: My cousin in CO had her baby recently and got to go home today. I pray for rest and patience for her. I pray for the baby... new to the world. I pray for her health and her mommy's healing. I pray for my friends and family out there in this crazy world. I pray for the women out there that can't understand why their decisions always lead to disaster. I pray for revelation to them. Life is harder when you do it the right way, but Oh so much more rewarding.<br />
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Feeling rushed cause dinner is getting put on the table and everyone's waiting on me. Will try to spend more time on it tomorrow. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-25615398780399602372013-01-03T14:26:00.000-06:002013-01-03T14:26:09.556-06:00Peak, Pit, Praise and Prayer - Day 3<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Peak: I have a job interview tomorrow at a doctor's office! I'm nervous, but am excited at the opportunity. I was starting to get to be hard on myself about not having full time employment again. How much easier life would be if I had a full time income again. This job starts out 26 hours a week, but will be advanced to full time (and they have benefits!) if the person proves themselves. I have no doubt I can get it together and impress the boss!<br />
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Pit: Watching Geoff work so hard and be so stressed about money. I am so grateful I've had this time to grieve and grow, but it's time to get back to reality. Life works a whole lot better when I'm giving 100% to the family. I wholeheartedly believe my family needed this time to grow and mature, but we're ready to get back to reality and focus on our goals. They are so much healthier now than they have ever been.<br />
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Praise: I am thankful for the vision I now have of my life. Life is wonderful. Even if we're broke, Geoff and I are happy with being with each other and our kids are glad we are their parents. They went back to school today. It's so quiet around the house, it seems so lonely without them. I'm also very grateful for the wonderful human resource woman I spoke with this morning. We hit it off and had a wonderful conversation. She's excited about meeting tomorrow and I think I made a really good impression. I have an interview at 11:00 in the morning. I'm pscyhed about working in an environment like she described. I am thankful for the health of my children. I'm thankful for the pending birth of my cousin Ariel's baby girl. They induced this morning and hopefully she will make her appearance sooner rather than later.<br />
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Prayer: I lift up my family to God. I ask that he speak to us all and help guide us on the paths we are one. Every person in this house seems to have grown so much recently. We are all striving to be better people. I have been blessed with such wonderful people to experience and grow with. I pray for my husband and I to grow as parents and my kids to grow as kids. I'm so blessed to have them in my life. I pray for Judy's granddaughter. She's a peach. I pray for all the relatives' babies I've experienced through Facebook. I pray for those who are struggling to find employment. I pray for those that are stuck in a life they hate and have no idea how to get out of it. It's so hard to understand that to see yourself honestly you have to be willing to experience pain and there is a whole lot of pain intolerance in the world. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-11784449578172631182013-01-02T17:52:00.003-06:002013-01-02T17:52:49.459-06:00Peak, Pit, Praise and Prayers - Day 2<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Peak: Peak of my day was spending the morning with a dear friend who is having a hard time right now. It makes my heart warm to be able to support someone while they feel so lost. To be the supportive cheerleader in a relationship is a wonderful feeling! I am also thoroughly enjoying the last day with my kids home. They are off to school tomorrow and we have had a lot of good bonding time since I've been off work and Geoff had to close the shop. When I start to question the plan for our lives - because I have no idea where this path is leading - I force myself to remember that we got weeks just to hang out with our kids. We got a lot of good quality time together as a couple, as well as a family. It's amazing at the time and will create countless positive memories.<br />
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Pit: I feel insecure today. I can't put my finger on it and don't know why I'm feeling this way, but it's really bugging me. I am super defensive and am trying to grow stronger and focus more on the positive. We have a guest coming for dinner that will hopefully lift my spirits. She always makes me smile.<br />
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Praise: I thank God for ensuring that I have all of my needs met. One focus I have tried to enforce on myself, this one is one of my main ones. God gives me what I need and if there is something I want and don't have, I don't NEED it. Forcing myself to admit the status of wants/needs is hard. I so want to be selfish, but I have more than I NEED. In this world, it is so easy to get caught up in what we don't have rather than being thankful for what we are blessed with. I'm coming to realize if you let possessions define you, you will never be fulfilled. That can only be filled with love and acceptance. I am so thankful to be coming to understand this new way of thinking.<br />
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Prayers: I pray for my children. I pray they find God and Jesus and develop the kind of relationship with them that I am learning to. I pray for my spiritual growth and understanding. I pray for my 13 year old son's continued growth (he made me so proud today!! He wrote up his 13 goals for the next semester at school!! Awesome!!) I pray for acceptance of who she is and the ability to see how truly beautiful she is to my 11 year old step-daughter. She's a preteen and I know this comes with that age, but I see how truly beautiful she is and just hope she soon realizes how wonderful she is. She lights up the world with her smile and her laugh is one of the sweetest things I have ever heard. I pray for peace within my 9 year old. She was talking about cancer and dying again today. She is trying so hard to understand what took her grandfather away from her. I really believe she might grow up and find a cure for cancer, just so she can help make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else. She's such a bright light in the dark. I pray for my husband's patience. I know I am a pain to be around when I'm feeling insecure, so I pray that he is extra patient with me tonight. I pray for my Sam (he's my pup)- he is having skin issues. I pray for my sisters and mothers. I pray they find peace and happiness within their lives. I pray for my nieces and nephews as they go back to school this coming week. I pray for my nephew who is turning 15 this month. Man, these kids grow up too fast. I pray for all the doctors and nurses out there treating the ill. I pray for knowledge and guidance to help heal the people. I pray for the homeless and hope they find somewhere warm to sleep and food for their stomachs. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-69840254568005515792013-01-01T14:28:00.003-06:002013-01-01T14:28:59.293-06:00Peak, Pit, Praise and Prayers - Day 1<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Peaks, Pits, Praises and Prayers Journal. 1. Peaks of the Day: The
highlights. The good moments. Something overall positive that happened
during the day. 2. Pit of the Day: The low point of the day. But, rather
than just complaining about it, a way that looking back at it can be
positive or a blessing in disguise. 3. Praise: Simply praising God for
specific things that happened 4. Prayers: Prayer requests that may have
arose from the new day<br />
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Peak of the day: Kissing my husband at midnight. Seeing my kids laughing and having a good time celebrating the new year with us.<br />
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Pit of the day: Geoff's back hurting. He works so hard and tries so hard. I hate when he hurts. He seems to be feeling somewhat better and it serves as a reminder that we need to take care of ourselves and not be so lazy.<br />
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Praise: I am so thankful for my life and to be surrounded by people who I truly love and who truly love me. We are growing so much as a family and I am so grateful to be a part of that.<br />
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Prayers: prayers for Geoff and his back. Prayers for my 13 year old son's personal growth. Thankful for the revelation of the positive parenting techniques we have learned. Prayers for my 11 and 9 year old daughters. It was tough growing up when I was their age 20+ years ago, but I find it so hard to live as an adult in this world, I can't imagine going through what they have to go through. Information is so readily available and I pray that parents (especially me and Geoff) learn positive ways to use the information highway and help educate our children in how to use that information. I pray for personal growth in myself and family. I pray for the strength to fight the urge to try to control my and my family's future. I pray for the acceptance of God's will and to live for him, not ourselves. I pray for my extended family- My sisters to find their strength in God and learn to trust him completely. I pray for my mothers in their separate endeavors. I pray they come to understand and know God on a personal, intimate level. I pray for my husband to expand his willingness to open himself to God. I pray my children come to know God and Jesus on a level unprecedented. I pray for the strength to become the woman God made me to be. I pray for strength to understand where God is talking and where I am trying to have my own way. I pray for all those affected by disease and lift them up. I pray for understanding and acceptance of the life I was meant to lead. I pray for all the women out there that have no idea what it is like to love themselves. I pray for all the children, keep them safe and healthy. I pray for our politicians. I pray we learn to love each other and accept unconditionally. I pray for understanding and tolerance between the nations. I pray for all the soldiers serving our country. I pray for their leaders, the ability to make sound ethical decisions. I pray for the health of everyone I know. I pray for joy to fill their lives. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-36099215098722668132012-10-06T21:18:00.002-05:002012-10-06T21:18:34.098-05:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Waiting until I was 33 to grow up has all sorts of consequences. My father's not around to see all the wonderful changes I've made in my life. I finally have a job that I love and loves me back, just as much. My husband and I don't argue, my children are all becoming successful in school. I feel like my biggest cheerleader moved on and didn't get the see me finally score the winning touchdown.<br />
My heart is still heavy from the loss of Lauren and my father. Thinking of the approaching Thanksgiving puts panic in my heart. I don't want another Thanksgiving. I want to have the last one be the memory of "Thanksgiving". My father was alive and Lauren was playing happily with toys I bought all day (much to the dismay of her mother).<br />
I feel like I have outgrown who I was and am still adjusting to living life in the new way. No more anger, no more resentment. Each day holds hope and joy. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-2031337130415530762012-06-02T22:09:00.003-05:002012-06-02T22:09:32.119-05:00Life as of this minute<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
My heart is so heavy. I loathe some of the tasks that come with my life. I feel ashamed that I don't want to take responsibility for my choices and yet feel the weight of responsibility. I know what I must do and will do it, just don't want to right at this moment. Life seems so hard and yet I know I'm the only one that made the choices to get to the place that I'm at. I want to reveal my problems to those around me, but have grimly realized that I have made the choices to get to where I am in life and it's no one else's problem.<br />
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I see the grass is greener on the other side, yet forget how blessed I am. I look for the easy way and am relieved when others want to quit, too. I am what I want not to be, yet force myself to pretend that I am more than I am and can actually pull this off. Others depend on me and I find it hard to understand their reasoning.<br />
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I feel crazy at this moment. I know it will pass and life will continue to unfold and I'll handle what I need to as the time comes. I know grief has it's own process and know the day will come where life won't seem quite so hard. I have a husband that loves me and children that think I'm wonderful. I have a sister who still gets up every day, even after experiencing tragedy I can't even begin to fathom. I have a father who is dancing in heaven and rejoicing the Lord with our precious Lauren.<br />
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Off to see if my father will visit me in my dreams again tonight. I have to admit, it was nice to see him, if only in my dreams. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-55912598130062791982011-12-29T11:31:00.000-06:002011-12-29T11:31:47.155-06:00Life is...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Through all the pain in my life, I'm learning to appreciate joy. The way I have lived my life to this point seems so off, yet I never realized how wrong it was until everything fell apart.<br />
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I've learned that nothing is guaranteed. There are things in life we come to rely on being there and even neglect because we think they will always be there. We don't have patience with those we love because we simply want to be lazy. Anger rules so much of our lives and we don't even seem to notice.<br />
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God gave us this life to live and so many of us are struggling to understand what it means to live. We choose paths that might not appeal to a healthy person but somehow seem hopeful to us. The lack of confidence and trust in ourselves seep out into our lives and influence all around us. Somehow, though, we never really see the result until it seems to be too late.<br />
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My father is dying and my sweet, precious Lauren has already died. I see everyone I love suffering due to these losses. My father is ready and I am trying to force myself to prepare for his departure. I am having to face guilt and shame for the daughter I have been. <br />
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I don't understand why the things that happen happen. I have no idea how to give my grief to God and accept that things are happening the way they were meant to. The recent tragedies have broken the spirits of almost everyone I know. The grief is overwhelming and gets to a point sometimes that I can't remember how to function on the simplest of tasks. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-34230931119251218712011-09-06T22:14:00.000-05:002011-09-06T22:14:06.107-05:00Another day gone by...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">When sitting at work the time seems to drag by. Sitting here in bed after the kids have finally gone to sleep, it seems like it was just moments ago I was trying to drag myself out of this position. Time goes by so quickly. Hopefully I'm learning to make the best of it and not dwell so much on what I have no control over. Hopefully. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-37783612749044073302011-09-04T23:45:00.000-05:002011-09-04T23:45:28.908-05:00Went to hell, now I'm back.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">The last couple of weeks threw me for a loop. This year when my son's birthday rolled around, I tried to force myself to deal with the pain and not allow myself to try to escape it. In my journey, I've learned that the emotions will be there, waiting to be dealt with. They don't go away as I wish they would. They, unlike me, seem to have an unlimited supply of patience and will gladly take up residence in some dark corner of my mind. Feeling the pain also comes with a sort of shame for not dealing with it for so long. Then, as if my heart didn't have enough to handle, I lost my best friend. Montana was my dog, through and through. She seemed to understand and accept all my mental health issues and was always there to greet me and offer me whatever comfort I was needing. She even inherited the need to be touching when sleeping and other various, weird quirks I have.<br />
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This was supposed to be a long post, but I'm learning to be quiet. So, there it is. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-61131515699423789902011-08-24T16:08:00.000-05:002011-08-24T16:08:29.707-05:0015 years old<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">That's how old my son would be today if he'd have lived. I find it bittersweet in remembering him. I remember the joy of having my first child. I remember how wonderful it felt when he would grab ahold of my finger and not let go. I remember how important I felt when he would crane his neck when I would walk into the NICU and he would hear my voice. That was the first time in my life I felt like I meant something.<br />
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I remember when I was in labor, the selfish and immature way I wondered how much attention I would get if something happened to him. My heart still breaks when I think about how selfish I was. Never did I actually believe anything would happen to him.<br />
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Time heals all wounds and this is no different. My heart is broken today, sure, but I managed to make it to work and though tears still fell, I made it through the day. He has changed my life on a regular basis since his short stay on earth. The times in my life when I felt like taking my own life because the pain was unbearable, I remembered how bad it felt to lose a child and I could never inflict that sort of pain on my father. He saved my life with the pain caused by his death. When I get frustrated and want to give up on my kids because I don't know what to do, he reminds me that I love them more than anything and could never leave them.<br />
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I got to see the love my father has for me when I was panicked because someone wouldn't be there to make sure nothing happened to him when he was buried. My father's last memory of his first grandchild is him in a coffin with someone throwing dirt on him. The reason for that is to comfort me. I almost feel guilty for having the obsession that led my father to that decision.<br />
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My grandmother made the trip to Dallas. I remember her getting out of my aunt's van when they arrived at my house the morning of the funeral. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see her before or since. She had made him a baby blanket (she was so proud of her first great-grandbaby) and he was buried with it. She rarely left the confines of her hometown and I remember feeling so grateful she'd made the trip. My aunts both found time in their schedules to make an appearance, as well.<br />
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Today, when my heart wants to hurt, I'm forcing myself to focus on the good peanut (that's my nickname for him... he looked almost like a peanut...he was so little) brought to my life and try to let the hurt go. I'm not doing that great of a job this year, as I've been crying consistently all day long. I do find solace in the fact that I believe he would be proud of the woman I am today. Not always have I been able to say that, but I'm finally at a point where I'm proud of the woman I've become. <br />
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As part of my healing, I'm having to learn to let go of things I cannot control. I have always wanted a "sign" that he was ok or for him to come visit me in my dreams or as a ghost. When visiting his grave, I often wonder if he specifically can hear my thoughts and prayers. I guess some questions just have to wait until you get to heaven.<br />
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Another defining moment in my life was after he passed away, I ran from the hospital. Psychologically I figured if I could run fast enough, I'd not have to deal with it. The basis for my faith was formed that day. My father chased me down the hall and in front of the hospital he caught up to me. He asked me if I was ok and I remember being so mad that I told him "I'm mad at God". He looked at me and very wisely stated "if you're mad at him, you believe in him". He then turned and walked away. It's as simple as that.<br />
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There are both good and bad effects of my son dying. I'm choosing to work on the bad and accept that the gift of loving my children as much as I do comes from losing my first. I will never know, but I have a feeling I'd not love them as much if I'd never had him. He taught me to love with all you have because you never know how long you have it. I will rejoice that he is in Heaven looking over us all and waiting for the day we will all reunite inside the pearly gates. <br />
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</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-90450895773120223562010-12-20T13:42:00.000-06:002010-12-20T13:42:52.567-06:00The hardest part is facing myselfI tend to want to control everything. Lately I've been listening to others and trying to look at myself through the eyes of those around me. The hardest part is...I don't like what I see. I see a selfish, demanding person who doesn't accept no for an answer and never compromises.<br />
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I really don't want to be this way, and I am having trouble accepting that I'm the one that has to do all the work. I'm ticked off at my parents because they never gave me what I needed to feel secure and I'm mad at all sorts of things and events that happened. But, it all still comes back to me being the one that has to change.<br />
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I'm working on listening and processing the thoughts before I respond. I'm finding that most of the time no response is necessary. I've come to realize that a lot of people excuse themselves from taking responsibility because they know I will if given long enough. I'm trying to move forward and realize what is my business and what isn't. It's amazing how much I stuck my nose in others' business.<br />
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I know this is a long road. I know it's a hard road. But, it's the road I must travel if I want to achieve all I have planned for myself. Hi-ho hi-ho it's back to life I go....Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-66737350916299014312010-07-22T22:31:00.000-05:002010-07-22T22:31:36.035-05:00The point is..."I love the way you lie" is a song by Eminem. Up until recently, I'd have immediately changed the channel if I heard his voice on the radio. Then I was distracted doing something and I couldn't change the channel and I heard the words to his song "Not Afraid". Then, after realizing he really had something intelligent to say, I started venturing out and listening to more of his music. I can honestly say I have a whole new respect for him. Plus, my boss mentioned that he listened to him, I figured it couldn't hurt (as stranger things had ALREADY happened).<br />
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I heard the song "I love the way you lie" and something hit home. This describes any marriage that I've been involved in. Four. Wow. But, if you go through the song, it explains exactly what my relationships are like. I've never heard it described so clearly as comparing it to a volcano and a tornado. My husband would be the volcano. I'll explain it first.<br />
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Hubby is a patient man. He is predictable and there is warning signs that he's about to go off. If you ignore the warning signs, there is a great chance of tragedy. He's tough, made of rock, but so fragile on the inside. There must be a balance or there is a force of nature to be reckoned with.<br />
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Me, I'm not so patient. I'm more like the tornado. You never know when one is going to show up or how much destruction it is going to cause.<br />
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To the outside world, I'm just a major bitch. Seems simple enough and people just accept that I'm a horribly unhappy person. The problem is, no one can see inside the storm to see that the comparison to the tornado theory is so close to home, it's like a lightbulb coming on. Sometimes I do something so brilliant that everyone is shocked and can't understand where it came from. I know it's in there and have these emotions that seem to become so violent sometimes that they have a mind of their own.<br />
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In therapy I'm learning that this is a gift, not a curse. The fight inside of myself trying to control the direction of the emotion is tremendous. I feel a constant desire to create as much damage as I can to remind myself how badass I am, but forget that I hurt those around me when I lose control. It's easier to live life explaining the shortfall of myself and accepting that I'm just not good enough. Standing up after being knocked down is hard and when life throws things at you that you can't handle... it becomes unbearable.<br />
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Realizing how much of my life is truly controlled by emotion and how those around me feed off of it and use their own manipulation to satisfy this need for dramatics. I'm seeing the effect it has on my children and that alone is enough reason for me to figure out how to behave like a healthy person.<br />
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Part of the dread is fear. I'm scared of not trying to control everything. I've had things happen in my life that I couldn't control and they hurt me so bad. My mother left when I was little, which I believe is the traumatic event that triggered my self loathing, and I've been saying "shame on you" to myself every since. When Junior died and then my step-father, I felt like I was being punished for my actions as a teen. Then my stepmother blatantly told me that it was my payment. Learning that believing that helps me hold on to the pain was a shock. I truly didn't believe it when I heard it. Then I started reading more and more about codependence and started trying to filter what comes out of my mouth and I noticed a change.<br />
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I'm exhausted and hope to write more soon. I have missed expressing my emotions and maybe this will help me to rid myself of the panic of not having any control. At least I can control my blog. :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-70384681897665624402010-07-02T22:15:00.000-05:002010-07-02T22:15:34.980-05:00Long day, but somehow ended up where I need to be...Had a long day at work, but I survived. Now I'm sitting in bed next to the hubby and he's playing video games and I'm blaring my music (headphones, of course) and blogging. I'm looking so forward to this weekend. Three days and an agreeable family that the house needs a thorough cleaning.<br />
I went to six flags yesterday with a friend I haven't seen in like 15 years. I was terrified when we got together we'd not know what to say and or have anything to talk about. Just the opposite happened. We talked and talked. She's just as cool as I remember.<br />
I got to meet her kids. It is cool seeing people I grew up with with older kids. I see their parents inside of them. It makes me smile that I have friends that are still around. It's like a friend, only with roots. There's so much more security in knowing someone forever and having that foundation. I tend to forget that everyone doesn't have that. I'm lucky in that aspect. I've had a friend since I was a minute old. My twin sister has to be my closest friend for the longest.<br />
I've had this desire to go dancing for a while now. A couple of years ago I asked hubby if he'd take dancing lessons. He agreed that he'd do it in the future sometime. I wonder if I can talk him into it. I miss dancing. I miss that excitement and adrenaline that comes with being led around the dance floor. I miss the sexiness of dirty dancing. I don't think I've ever dated anyone that had a clue how to dance. I remember back in high school, girls got jealous from how I danced with their boyfriends.<br />
My husband mentioned he was almost 40 today. He's only 37, but that made me realize how old we're getting. I feel frustrated because there's still part of me searching for what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know what I was put here for. Don't have a clue. I know what I'm doing, but don't have a clue in what direction I should be traveling. My therapist said we needed to talk about "life purpose" in one of our sessions. He also recommended that I begin going to AA meetings. I've expressed an interest and he asked me to participate in a recovery program he is starting in January of next year. I have fear issues, so it's hard for me to go to a room full of people and not freak out. I've asked hubby to go with me. I think it'd do both of us some good. Am hoping he comes around and goes. But, if not, I might try to force myself to swallow the fear and go.<br />
Well, going to go facebook for a while. Man, how did I live before facebook became a verb?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-52694802581059474852010-06-23T12:47:00.000-05:002010-06-23T12:47:50.440-05:00UghWhat is it about porn that bothers me so much? I actually enjoy aspects and results, but am horribly offended when someone I'm with views it. I know part of it is the insecurity and feeling inferior to the women in most porn. I'm not as sexy as they are and then worry that I'm not wanted due to my lack of sexiness.<br />
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Maybe I'm just sexually retarded. I've always had issues with sex, dating all the way back to when I was 12. I know when I even think about my spouse watching it, I feel the rage starting to build up inside of me. Another aspect that bothers me is that people will lie to me about it and then try to excuse the action by explaining they knew I'd be upset. So, in essence, they are lying to me to protect myself. From what they are doing and know I'd be upset about doing, so they must lie.<br />
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This is so hard for me and has been for many years. I don't know if it's normal for a man to do that. It's so accessible, you can even get it on your cell phone. It's everywhere. I feel like a spouse shouldn't have the free reign to watch what they wish, I feel like it's disrespectful to the wife. I can see the draw to get caught up in the fantasy, but reality still exists and I still hurt.<br />
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I think I'm going to bring this up in therapy next week. There has to be a better way to deal with it. I know I have trust issues, but don't know if that is because of me or because of the memories of lies. Dang it, I wished there was a button that I could push that would turn my emotions off. They drive me crazy sometimes.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-44360382131699522522010-06-09T19:54:00.000-05:002010-06-09T19:54:47.945-05:00I really hate being sickI have been down for a couple of days with food poisoning. That's what they said it was. I seriously hate being sick. <br />
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I go to therapy tomorrow. I feel like it's been so long since I've been. I know in my head it's only been two weeks, but so much has happened in that two weeks. Last weekend I went home to help my dad unpack in his new house. We were sitting on his front porch talking and we started talking about when I was a kid. I brought up the subject of how we were treated when we were kids. I don't remember much of my childhood, nothing before my mother walked out.<br />
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He started telling me stories of how my twin sister used to follow me around. He laughed and said I was always the leader. He was smiling as he told me of the messes we made. He looked at me suddenly then and asked what happened between me and you. I was scared, but I just looked at him and said "you didn't know how to talk to me". I explained (like my therapist has to me) how when I'm told to do something, I can't logically justify doing it until I have the reasoning behind it. There are a lot of people out there with that personality quirk, and sometimes parents are patient enough to develop open communication and some aren't. My father was raised with the "because I said so" answer being acceptable.<br />
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I'm learning that I have major communication issues and don't usually say what I really mean. My insecurities make it so I don't feel like I'm worth reaching out to, so I feel like I have to manipulate people to get them to do what I want. I try to control everything and have it my way. It's a hard habit to break and it's a lot easier to point out the flaws in those around me.<br />
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I'm hoping to not feel so lost. I don't like being sick because then I spend the time feeling guilty for taking the time off work and trying to figure out if I'm really sick or just being lazy. Was I really sick enough today to warrant a day off? I keep reminding myself that since I was up half the night, it's ok. I truly am sick. Even the clinic says so. Why, then, do I still have this guilt?<br />
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Hubby and I are learning how to communicate better. He's learning to question my motives and accept my answers when I tell him it's not him. It's a start. I know in my heart I'm on the right path. Just have to find the strength to stay there...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-77306130504692542902010-05-30T21:30:00.000-05:002010-05-30T21:30:17.290-05:00Dishes aren't completely done...But, most of them are either done or in the drain rack. The three dogs are clean and the fishtank has gotten somewhat of a makeover. Of course we only have 2 of the original 30 something fish we had in there still living, but at least when we put more in the tank, we'll be prepared. Oh, the fun of pets.<br />
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I heard an ad on the radio today that told the story of how memorial day started and why it is in this part of the year. It was just after the civil war and people waited for the snow to melt to bury their dead. The graves were dug and the soldiers laid to rest. Then, annually after that, they would come out in late May and put flowers on the graves, after the snow melted. Hm. It wasn't actually a national holiday until sometime in the 50's, I believe.<br />
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Soon I have to get started on a website for the company. I know it's only going to take a bit of time, but it's hard and I don't have Boyce to do it for me. Selfish, I know, but he could do it in about 1/25 of the time it will take me. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-38506806182513440712010-05-29T21:18:00.000-05:002010-05-29T21:18:13.172-05:00Who knows what will come outIt's like something is missing and I can't figure what it is. I know I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut when it comes to Brandon. Geoff is scared and I want to support him, but I want to fix it even more. I'm not good at sitting and watching people I care about hurt. I'm just not any good at it. I tend to do whatever is necessary to fix the problem.<br />
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I feel like I'm waiting for something that I know is coming, just don't have a clue what it is or where it is coming from. In therapy, my shrink has been pounding in my head to give up control of all things and let them happen. I'm not creating any situations for me to solve and life should be fairly wonderful at this point.<br />
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The anxiety inside is frustrating and I'm so tempted to give in to the urge to start doing things to let me be in control of my situation. I miss the girls. Rose went to her dad's parents house. She's having a blast. That's almost a guarantee. BJ is safe with Kaci. I know Kaci is going to take super good care of her and that she's going to have a blast up there. Austin is playing video games with his dad and I'm on my laptop playing music and blogging. I know there is not anything that is going on that I have to worry about.<br />
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Yet my head is going in circles trying to figure out something to fix and/or do. I'm going to assume this would mean that I'm bored. I hate not knowing what is coming or what I did to make what is about to happen happen. Does that even make sense to a normal person?<br />
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Dishes need to be done and fish tank needs to be cleaned out and a bunch of stuff done to it. Dogs need baths and laundry needs to be started. Yeah, life goes on. Might as well go with it...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-31924973289368306322010-05-12T21:00:00.000-05:002010-05-12T21:00:17.119-05:00BlessedI'm so blessed. I've found a place where I truly belong and enjoy my life. I'm in therapy and ordered the book yesterday that my therapist said I should read. He says I'm codependent. It's a term I've heard before but never really dug into what it meant. I'm learning that I am in control of my anger and that how I treat others is my responsibility, even if it's not intentional. I must begin to take responsibility for acting in ways that I've always just expected other people to deal with the angry side of me and taken for granted how much people have really put up with all these years.<br />
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With this realization comes guilt. I've become a lot more like the person I want to be. I know I still have a ways to go and that this will be a battle I must fight for the rest of my life. I'm working on moving on from all the mistakes I've made in my life, but there's still a lot of anxiety inside of me. Some of it is explained by all the crap I have put all the people that love me through, but another part of it is unknown and that is the part I'm trying to deal with.<br />
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I see the bad parts of myself in my children. They aren't nearly as extreme as I am, but I see them learning my reactions and following suit and I don't want that. It's hard not to walk into therapy and tell the therapist what they want to hear. I don't want to go to please someone else for once, I want to go because I want to get better. It's a long road ahead of me, but I've come to realize that I'm on the right path. It's taken so long to get here, but I'm so blessed to have finally found where I belong and can be me, not who I think everyone else wants.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-62893368592020402542010-05-05T21:48:00.000-05:002010-05-05T21:48:31.859-05:00Learning to shut up.In therapy last night, I was told that I'm trying to play God in my life. It was hard to hear and I'm sure the more therapy I get, the more I'm going to hear things I don't like. I got to talk to Brandon for the first time last night. It was the first time I got comfortable enough to talk to him. We talked about playing poker on MySpace and he even added me as a friend on his page so that we could play. Tonight when I logged on, mainly hoping he'd be online so we could talk some more, a message pops up from "Brandon". I smile and tap Geoff on the shoulder and tell him Brandon sent me a message. I open the message to it saying "This is Brandon's mom". Great..<br />
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I responded (he showed to be offline) with "I guess technically I'm his step-mother, I don't think we've ever spoken". It's not what I wanted to say. I wanted to be able to talk to her. But, Brandon's not answering his texts and he's not online. I know I need to be patient, that he's almost 16 and in a few years she can't stop us from getting to know him. I don't like to wait and I'm used to stomping my feet (and sometimes that can get pretty impressive) and getting what I want. I'm leaving this with God and not trying to fix it. I'm not going to push anyone to do anything. Something I'm not too good at, but I've got to start somewhere. Brandon seems like something worth leaving to him. He can work miracles and make things happen that are so unlikely that we're all amazed.<br />
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I want to get to know him more than anything. But, I'll have to wait. God may be trying to teach me patience, but I'm finally listening. Shut up, Angie..Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-52189186650529534352010-05-02T00:16:00.000-05:002010-05-02T00:16:45.735-05:00InsecurityI know that the people in my life love me. I know that my mind twists things and is very selfish. As I was just informed, I'm "Cold Hearted". The hard part for me to accept, is that is true. It's not something I intentionally choose to be, it just seems to sort of happen.<br />
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When I hurt people by the things I say or the way I treat them, I don't take responsibility until much later, if at all. I am hateful in ways most people don't even think of. I'm the meanest person I've ever met. Most people find this entertaining, as long as they are not in the line of fire.<br />
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The hard part to deal with is that I don't mean to be selfish. I don't set out to hurt other people, it just seems to work out that way. I force myself to be the center of attention at all cost. I insist on gaining reassurance and sympathy without taking any blame for the situation. <br />
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I've always been this way. That much is consistent. I just want to fix it. Don't have a clue how to, though. Working on it. Been in and out of counseling and hope that someday I'll learn how to deal with the irrational insecurities that seem to rule my life.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-40008799991151089692010-01-20T22:35:00.001-06:002010-01-20T22:35:56.331-06:001-20-10Started school this evening. This class is going to be one that will be cut and dried and I'll have to go twice a week and listen to this guy talk. He gives you the notes (don't even have to take them) and then tests you on the information in the notes. I can handle this. He really likes to talk, but I can handle listening to him relive his youth through memories.<br />
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Work was busy, but productive. Talked to Dad on the phone quite a bit. He's becoming a very good sounding board and comes up with some of the best advice. Keisha called me for advice last night. Made me feel really good. Geoff is working really hard to keep things organized with the shop. I'm so proud of him. He's working so hard.<br />
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Life is good. I have three wonderful children I see on a daily basis and one that I get to see on a regular basis. I'm doing it. I've got this...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-53016057835839108032009-12-23T09:28:00.000-06:002009-12-23T09:28:00.612-06:00So blessed.There are things about my life that I can complain about and wish were different. But, when I take the time to look around me, I realize how truly blessed I really am. I have a job that depends on me and helps me grow. I am challenged and hardly ever bored. I am married to the most wonderful man in the world. He gets me and we are learning how to trust in each other and our relationship is reaping the benefit. My children, wow, my children. I am so lucky. I've had the opportunity to have my two nieces and my nephew down. Man, I never realized how much I missed the kids until they got here. They are such a blessing. I can see my sister in them, as well as my brother in law. They have brought joy to my life that I never knew I was missing. Life is good. I have more than I ever thought possible and it's real. It's not a fantasy that I've created, this is real life. It's good. When the doubts start to circle in my head, it's become so that all I have to do is look around and see that I've built a wonderful life and have faith that no one can take that away. I'm just blown away at how wonderful my life is and how many people truly care about me. I've learned to be the friend to others that I want to be and I'm learning how to be a better wife and mother. I don't look at life with my head bowed anymore, hoping for some sort of recognition. I do what I do and it's working out pretty well.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3563319667359087305.post-8831688101664748772009-11-11T22:51:00.000-06:002009-11-11T22:51:12.824-06:00Amazing GraceThe song that brings tears to my eyes because of the reminder it usually holds. While watching the services for the fallen soldiers, I heard the beginning of the song being played on the bagpipes. This rips my heart open every time I hear it. This was played at my son's funeral. He lived such a short life, I value the few memories I have of him. Of those few are the playing of that song. Just before my father watched him be laid to rest. The words of the song have always brought a painful reminder of the loss of my son.<br />
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Today, when the song started to play, instead of changing the channel like I usually do, I closed my eyes and let myself hear the music. Then, in the background, someone started singing the song. "Was blind, but now I see" has a whole new meaning to me.<br />
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On the camping trip this last weekend, something inside of me broke. It's something that I can't say I'll miss, but it's like I finally realized that I am not responsible for saving the world. I have a family and I have to learn to trust them. I realized that I don't trust anyone because I don't have the guts to really let anyone, even my children, inside all the way. I'm fearful of the pain that comes with the loss.<br />
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Learning to trust people after years of keeping the deepest part of you to yourself is hard. It's hard to let someone so close that they can really hurt you. I love Geoff with all my heart, but I never realized how much I disrespected him and took him for granted. The kids have to deal with me being scared of the amount of feelings I have for them. I realized on the camp out, when I had realized that I was so worried about the small details, I missed a lot of big things. It's like I finally realized what others have been telling me for years.<br />
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I can't expect anyone to give me all of them if I'm not willing to open up and give 100%, too. It's a big step and one that I'm tryin to figure out how to do. He deserves it. I'm finding friendships that are strong and learning to lean on others and share my problems, but not try to evoke sympathy, just being there for people and trusting them to be there for me.<br />
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My relationship with my father has grown tremendously in the last month. Thanksgiving we're going on a trip together while the kids are with their other parents and Geoff is hunting. We talk on a regular basis. I'm learning so much from talking to him and getting to know the man that somehow I've missed for the last 31 years. 31 is my lucky number, I think.<br />
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I am so blessed and thankfully am realizing this all now so I can spend the rest of my life the way I'm supposed to.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04415569890896626459noreply@blogger.com0