Life as of today...

Some days it's harder than others to be strong. I watched my baby girl go through what I did as a child.Watching a mother leave. It's not that I don't know she'll be ok, it's that my heart aches for her and I know there is absolutely nothing I can do. I can't say anything that will make her feel better. She said it best herself when she said "Mommy's the only one that can make it better, and she can't because she's not here."
I understand this pain because I have a mother that views herself more important than her children. For years, I've been so angry. Lately, through my pscyh and sociology classes, I've learned that some people are just wired different than I am. I can't imagine going through life without seeing my children.
I can't be sure what causes my drive. I have a lot of rage built up towards my kids' mom. It's like the feelings of my childhood come back in watching my daughter cry. I know how bad she is hurting, and like I said before, there's NOTHING I can do to make it better. Nothing. Period.
If you know me, you know I fix things. If you tell me something that is wrong, I fix it. I take this to an extreme, as I do many things in my life, and get myself in trouble trying to fix other people's problems. I'm learning that there is a time and a place to step in. Some people don't want help and they don't want things to get better. I have to remind myself that I was the person that was constantly screwing things up in my life and not taking other people's feelings into consideration. I only thought of how I felt and what I wanted. My decisions were based off what I wanted and what I was willing to go through to get there.
When I married Geoff, he didn't give into me. Everyone before him accepted that I was a spoiled brat and tried to live with me. I had to forgive a lot of mistakes I made in using the people that were only trying to love me. I wasted years of their lives and hurt a lot of people. Learning to use that repulsion of who I was to make myself a better person today.
I put my daughter in the same situation I was in. I don't live with her father, but hope that someday she understands. I know he loves her and is the best father for her. She loves my husband with all her heart and is overall a happy child. My husband's children are a godsend. I still have my ex-husband's oldest daughter in my life. My ex husband is wonderful in a lot of ways. He's not a bad guy. He's just not the man I was meant to be with.
I watch my parents go through this divorce and I see everyone in my family hurting. I know they are not wanting to hurt anyone, it's just that the situation has gotten bad enough that they can't stand it anymore. It makes me sad that they have been miserable this long. I just want all of us to be happy. I want to not be scared of callin someone because of what they will say. I don't want to have to filter all the words that come out of my mouth because I'm scared it's going to sound like I'm taking sides of one of my parents. I'm scared of feeling like I can relate and then knowing that it's something about myself that I don't like that relates to them.
I just want all this pain in my life gone. It's like I have to be strong to make it through the day at my job and at school and take care of the household and my mother. But, I'm goin to try as hard as I can to keep it together and be as strong as I can for everyone that I love. My husband has been wonderful. He's been honest with me, even when it wasn't nice... and he's listened to me and been my best friend. I'm so glad we found each other in this crazy, crazy world.