Ugh

What is it about porn that bothers me so much? I actually enjoy aspects and results, but am horribly offended when someone I'm with views it. I know part of it is the insecurity and feeling inferior to the women in most porn. I'm not as sexy as they are and then worry that I'm not wanted due to my lack of sexiness.

Maybe I'm just sexually retarded. I've always had issues with sex, dating all the way back to when I was 12. I know when I even think about my spouse watching it, I feel the rage starting to build up inside of me. Another aspect that bothers me is that people will lie to me about it and then try to excuse the action by explaining they knew I'd be upset. So, in essence, they are lying to me to protect myself. From what they are doing and know I'd be upset about doing, so they must lie.

This is so hard for me and has been for many years. I don't know if it's normal for a man to do that. It's so accessible, you can even get it on your cell phone. It's everywhere. I feel like a spouse shouldn't have the free reign to watch what they wish, I feel like it's disrespectful to the wife. I can see the draw to get caught up in the fantasy, but reality still exists and I still hurt.

I think I'm going to bring this up in therapy next week. There has to be a better way to deal with it. I know I have trust issues, but don't know if that is because of me or because of the memories of lies. Dang it, I wished there was a button that I could push that would turn my emotions off. They drive me crazy sometimes.