The point is...

"I love the way you lie" is a song by Eminem. Up until recently, I'd have immediately changed the channel if I heard his voice on the radio. Then I was distracted doing something and I couldn't change the channel and I heard the words to his song "Not Afraid". Then, after realizing he really had something intelligent to say,  I started venturing out and listening to more of his music. I can honestly say I have a whole new respect for him. Plus, my boss mentioned that he listened to him, I figured it couldn't hurt (as stranger things had ALREADY happened).

I heard the song "I love the way you lie" and something hit home. This describes any marriage that I've been involved in. Four. Wow. But, if you go through the song, it explains exactly what my relationships are like. I've never heard it described so clearly as comparing it to a volcano and a tornado. My husband would be the volcano. I'll explain it first.

Hubby is a patient man. He is predictable and there is warning signs that he's about to go off. If you ignore the warning signs, there is a great chance of tragedy. He's tough, made of rock, but so fragile on the inside. There must be a balance or there is a force of nature to be reckoned with.

Me, I'm not so patient. I'm more like the tornado. You never know when one is going to show up or how much destruction it is going to cause.

To the outside world, I'm just a major bitch. Seems simple enough and people just accept that I'm a horribly unhappy person. The problem is, no one can see inside the storm to see that the comparison to the tornado theory is so close to home, it's like a lightbulb coming on. Sometimes I do something so brilliant that everyone is shocked and can't understand where it came from. I know it's in there and have these emotions that seem to become so violent sometimes that they have a mind of their own.

In therapy I'm learning that this is a gift, not a curse. The fight inside of myself trying to control the direction of the emotion is tremendous. I feel a constant desire to create as much damage as I can to remind myself how badass I am, but forget that I hurt those around me when I lose control. It's easier to live life explaining the shortfall of myself and accepting that I'm just not good enough. Standing up after being knocked down is hard and when life throws things at you that you can't handle... it becomes unbearable.

Realizing how much of my life is truly controlled by emotion and how those around me feed off of it and use their own manipulation to satisfy this need for dramatics. I'm seeing the effect it has on my children and that alone is enough reason for me to figure out how to behave like a healthy person.

Part of the dread is fear. I'm scared of not trying to control everything. I've had things happen in my life that I couldn't control and they hurt me so bad. My mother left when I was little, which I believe is the traumatic event that triggered my self loathing, and I've been saying "shame on you" to myself every since. When Junior died and then my step-father, I felt like I was being punished for my actions as a teen. Then my stepmother blatantly told me that it was my payment. Learning that believing that helps me hold on to the pain was a shock. I truly didn't believe it when I heard it. Then I started reading more and more about codependence and started trying to filter what comes out of my mouth and I noticed a change.

I'm exhausted and hope to write more soon. I have missed expressing my emotions and maybe this will help me to rid myself of the panic of not having any control. At least I can control my blog. :)