The song that brings tears to my eyes because of the reminder it usually holds. While watching the services for the fallen soldiers, I heard the beginning of the song being played on the bagpipes. This rips my heart open every time I hear it. This was played at my son's funeral. He lived such a short life, I value the few memories I have of him. Of those few are the playing of that song. Just before my father watched him be laid to rest. The words of the song have always brought a painful reminder of the loss of my son.
Today, when the song started to play, instead of changing the channel like I usually do, I closed my eyes and let myself hear the music. Then, in the background, someone started singing the song. "Was blind, but now I see" has a whole new meaning to me.
On the camping trip this last weekend, something inside of me broke. It's something that I can't say I'll miss, but it's like I finally realized that I am not responsible for saving the world. I have a family and I have to learn to trust them. I realized that I don't trust anyone because I don't have the guts to really let anyone, even my children, inside all the way. I'm fearful of the pain that comes with the loss.
Learning to trust people after years of keeping the deepest part of you to yourself is hard. It's hard to let someone so close that they can really hurt you. I love Geoff with all my heart, but I never realized how much I disrespected him and took him for granted. The kids have to deal with me being scared of the amount of feelings I have for them. I realized on the camp out, when I had realized that I was so worried about the small details, I missed a lot of big things. It's like I finally realized what others have been telling me for years.
I can't expect anyone to give me all of them if I'm not willing to open up and give 100%, too. It's a big step and one that I'm tryin to figure out how to do. He deserves it. I'm finding friendships that are strong and learning to lean on others and share my problems, but not try to evoke sympathy, just being there for people and trusting them to be there for me.
My relationship with my father has grown tremendously in the last month. Thanksgiving we're going on a trip together while the kids are with their other parents and Geoff is hunting. We talk on a regular basis. I'm learning so much from talking to him and getting to know the man that somehow I've missed for the last 31 years. 31 is my lucky number, I think.
I am so blessed and thankfully am realizing this all now so I can spend the rest of my life the way I'm supposed to.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
The Best of You...
One of my favorites songs out there is "Best of You" by the Foo Fighters. The beat is awesome, so it's a great song to jam out to when you're having a moment, so I highly recommend. Today, sitting at my desk at work and jamming to the song, I realized what the "best" really means.
My take on it is this. The best means are you giving yourself to someone without holding back? Are you protecting part of yourself because you can't stand to be hurt anymore. When you love, do you love 100% or like 80 or 90, just to cover yourself. The best of you is that 10-20% that no one gets. That's the real you. Not the part that is out there for the public to see, but the core of who you are.
If you are in a relationship and aren't giving 100%, think about this. You can never experience unconditional love unless you give 100% of yourself. Even if you're only giving it to yourself, you have to learn to not let fear rule how you behave. We have all been hurt and the more we get hurt, the more we tend to protect ourselves. The flip side of that is that the people who hurt us made it so that no one else can see the real you. You showed it to people when you were younger, but have learned that all people can't be trusted.
I wished I would have been raised to learn to trust people. Not just do it because you're supposed to. I hope that in my journey through school, I can learn how to pick between people who are around me to take advantage and people who truly care. I'm learning that to love others, I HAVE to love myself. If I don't like something about myself, I need to change it. My life's path is my choice and though I haven't figured out how to do it yet, I'm on the road to giving myself to those who truly show me they love me and learning to let go of those people that are only there when they need/want something.
Go give the song a listen. Then, go about life and start giving 100%.
My take on it is this. The best means are you giving yourself to someone without holding back? Are you protecting part of yourself because you can't stand to be hurt anymore. When you love, do you love 100% or like 80 or 90, just to cover yourself. The best of you is that 10-20% that no one gets. That's the real you. Not the part that is out there for the public to see, but the core of who you are.
If you are in a relationship and aren't giving 100%, think about this. You can never experience unconditional love unless you give 100% of yourself. Even if you're only giving it to yourself, you have to learn to not let fear rule how you behave. We have all been hurt and the more we get hurt, the more we tend to protect ourselves. The flip side of that is that the people who hurt us made it so that no one else can see the real you. You showed it to people when you were younger, but have learned that all people can't be trusted.
I wished I would have been raised to learn to trust people. Not just do it because you're supposed to. I hope that in my journey through school, I can learn how to pick between people who are around me to take advantage and people who truly care. I'm learning that to love others, I HAVE to love myself. If I don't like something about myself, I need to change it. My life's path is my choice and though I haven't figured out how to do it yet, I'm on the road to giving myself to those who truly show me they love me and learning to let go of those people that are only there when they need/want something.
Go give the song a listen. Then, go about life and start giving 100%.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Yesterday was the day from hell... So glad it's over, just scared it's going to happen again
Life doesn't go the way I want it to. I have become accustomed to that. But, it's days like yesterday that make me want to go away from everyone and everything I've ever known and just keep running.
I'm not going to publicize what happened because it would humiliate me and someone close to me. I'll just say that someone hurt me by doing something I never thought they would do. It was a shock to my system and I'm still having a hard time coming to terms with my commitment to forgive.
Why is it people so readily hurt us? Then, when called on it, they blame others for their actions. What happened to taking responsibility for our own actions. I'm the queen of this, so I can't blame others for doing it, but it hurts so bad when someone does something to hurt you and their response is that it's YOUR fault they did. I know it's a cop-out but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I had thought I found someone that loved me for who I am. Instead, they love the good parts and can't stand the other side of me. I know time heals all wounds and someday I'll look back and not have this huge feeling of dissapointment. I can't be honest with this person and let them know how I'm feeling. Instead, I've got to do the "I'm fine" thing for a while and hope I can find a way to accept the things I can not change and learn to live with the actions that can not be undone.
It's like once I "KNEW" that everything was going to be ok and now it's in the back of my mind "what if it doesn't work out..." My brain is trying to figure out what I'm going to do if it falls through. I know it's not fair and I should have faith that it is going to work, but I'm so tired of the vicious cycle I keep finding myself on in relationships.
I take the blame for a lot of the problem. I am immature and selfish and want everything my way and throw a fit if I don't get it. True. But, sometimes, I just wonder how all the problems in all the relationships I have can be my fault. I'm having a pity party, so I'll stop now. Just hate feeling this way. Never good enough.
I'm not going to publicize what happened because it would humiliate me and someone close to me. I'll just say that someone hurt me by doing something I never thought they would do. It was a shock to my system and I'm still having a hard time coming to terms with my commitment to forgive.
Why is it people so readily hurt us? Then, when called on it, they blame others for their actions. What happened to taking responsibility for our own actions. I'm the queen of this, so I can't blame others for doing it, but it hurts so bad when someone does something to hurt you and their response is that it's YOUR fault they did. I know it's a cop-out but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I had thought I found someone that loved me for who I am. Instead, they love the good parts and can't stand the other side of me. I know time heals all wounds and someday I'll look back and not have this huge feeling of dissapointment. I can't be honest with this person and let them know how I'm feeling. Instead, I've got to do the "I'm fine" thing for a while and hope I can find a way to accept the things I can not change and learn to live with the actions that can not be undone.
It's like once I "KNEW" that everything was going to be ok and now it's in the back of my mind "what if it doesn't work out..." My brain is trying to figure out what I'm going to do if it falls through. I know it's not fair and I should have faith that it is going to work, but I'm so tired of the vicious cycle I keep finding myself on in relationships.
I take the blame for a lot of the problem. I am immature and selfish and want everything my way and throw a fit if I don't get it. True. But, sometimes, I just wonder how all the problems in all the relationships I have can be my fault. I'm having a pity party, so I'll stop now. Just hate feeling this way. Never good enough.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Living to only my expectations
Yesterday, my husband's ex wife called him and told him she wanted their daughter to come live with her. Not their son, but just the girl. He quoted her as saying "She needs her mother right now."
It's hard for me to relate. She's not made an effort to see the kids unless it's a scheduled holiday or we are making a trip close to where she lives. She told the kids when she left this weekend that she's going to try to start visiting at least once a month.
The anger that was inside of me is almost gone. I was taking it personally that she should expect us to just let our daughter go live with her. I read some articles last night on the best ways to handle ex's and I realized that I was expecting her to work as hard at being a mother as I do. In realizing this, I've found peace in knowing a few things. Some women shouldn't be moms. Period. They are too self absorbed and focus only on their own wants. Sometimes this behavior isn't intentional, it is just simply how they are. I also learned that we all make decisions we have to live with for the rest of our lives. Some of the decisions others make effect us. I'm learning to realize when and if changing a situation is within my power.
When the idea of my little girl being taken came up, I was furious. But, then I remembered how much joy she brings into my life and understand now that her own mother doesn't get to see that. But, on the same token, she made choices to let the children live with my husband and the courts agreed that it was a good idea. I went into freak out mode and that does no one any good. Hubby and I had a very logical and honest talk about it last night. We both want what is best for all three of our kids. As parents, we are committed to making their lives the best it can be. When another situation arises that we feel would suit them better, we will consider changing where we are. Until then, we'll continue to be the best parents we can and be there for our children when they hurt.
I'm not allowing myself to get wrapped up in the what if's and maybes. There's no sense in it and I can live without the drama the fear causes. That's one of the biggest lessons I learned from the article. Be the best parent you can be without trying to replace the parent that is not a constant in the kids' lives. I want to be the best wife to my husband and the best caretaker I can of the children. All three of them. Not just mine, but I am going to start focusing on my actions and behaviors and not take into consideration how much or how little the other parents involved put into their lives.
It's so hard because I can go on and on about how it's not fair. To do this would be futile, though, as I can't alter another person's behavior with words. People don't change until they have decided there is something inside of them they want to be different. Anything I tell either of the ex's that are also biologically involved is not going to be taken seriously, just defended and thus begins the cycle all over again.
I'm going to make a real effort to be nice to his ex. Not that she deserves it, but because my children need to see me respecting her. I expect them to respect her and I should do the same thing. It's a hard part of the growing up stage that I'm in, but it's one that I'm sure will make me a better person.
I pray nightly for our children's happiness. I'm learning that knowledge is power and the more I learn, the more respected and confident I feel. I want to be the best Mom, Step-Mom and Wife that I can be. When I'm being all I can be in those situations, it spills over into other parts of my life. Work seems to go by easier and school isn't such a pain in the butt.
I finally see who I want to be and now it's up to me to get there. I've set the bar high, but know that with the help of my family and friends, I'll achieve this goal. I'll need plenty of strength and patience, which are absent a lot in my life, but know that this journey will make me a better person.
It's hard for me to relate. She's not made an effort to see the kids unless it's a scheduled holiday or we are making a trip close to where she lives. She told the kids when she left this weekend that she's going to try to start visiting at least once a month.
The anger that was inside of me is almost gone. I was taking it personally that she should expect us to just let our daughter go live with her. I read some articles last night on the best ways to handle ex's and I realized that I was expecting her to work as hard at being a mother as I do. In realizing this, I've found peace in knowing a few things. Some women shouldn't be moms. Period. They are too self absorbed and focus only on their own wants. Sometimes this behavior isn't intentional, it is just simply how they are. I also learned that we all make decisions we have to live with for the rest of our lives. Some of the decisions others make effect us. I'm learning to realize when and if changing a situation is within my power.
When the idea of my little girl being taken came up, I was furious. But, then I remembered how much joy she brings into my life and understand now that her own mother doesn't get to see that. But, on the same token, she made choices to let the children live with my husband and the courts agreed that it was a good idea. I went into freak out mode and that does no one any good. Hubby and I had a very logical and honest talk about it last night. We both want what is best for all three of our kids. As parents, we are committed to making their lives the best it can be. When another situation arises that we feel would suit them better, we will consider changing where we are. Until then, we'll continue to be the best parents we can and be there for our children when they hurt.
I'm not allowing myself to get wrapped up in the what if's and maybes. There's no sense in it and I can live without the drama the fear causes. That's one of the biggest lessons I learned from the article. Be the best parent you can be without trying to replace the parent that is not a constant in the kids' lives. I want to be the best wife to my husband and the best caretaker I can of the children. All three of them. Not just mine, but I am going to start focusing on my actions and behaviors and not take into consideration how much or how little the other parents involved put into their lives.
It's so hard because I can go on and on about how it's not fair. To do this would be futile, though, as I can't alter another person's behavior with words. People don't change until they have decided there is something inside of them they want to be different. Anything I tell either of the ex's that are also biologically involved is not going to be taken seriously, just defended and thus begins the cycle all over again.
I'm going to make a real effort to be nice to his ex. Not that she deserves it, but because my children need to see me respecting her. I expect them to respect her and I should do the same thing. It's a hard part of the growing up stage that I'm in, but it's one that I'm sure will make me a better person.
I pray nightly for our children's happiness. I'm learning that knowledge is power and the more I learn, the more respected and confident I feel. I want to be the best Mom, Step-Mom and Wife that I can be. When I'm being all I can be in those situations, it spills over into other parts of my life. Work seems to go by easier and school isn't such a pain in the butt.
I finally see who I want to be and now it's up to me to get there. I've set the bar high, but know that with the help of my family and friends, I'll achieve this goal. I'll need plenty of strength and patience, which are absent a lot in my life, but know that this journey will make me a better person.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Life as of today...
Some days it's harder than others to be strong. I watched my baby girl go through what I did as a child.Watching a mother leave. It's not that I don't know she'll be ok, it's that my heart aches for her and I know there is absolutely nothing I can do. I can't say anything that will make her feel better. She said it best herself when she said "Mommy's the only one that can make it better, and she can't because she's not here."
I understand this pain because I have a mother that views herself more important than her children. For years, I've been so angry. Lately, through my pscyh and sociology classes, I've learned that some people are just wired different than I am. I can't imagine going through life without seeing my children.
I can't be sure what causes my drive. I have a lot of rage built up towards my kids' mom. It's like the feelings of my childhood come back in watching my daughter cry. I know how bad she is hurting, and like I said before, there's NOTHING I can do to make it better. Nothing. Period.
If you know me, you know I fix things. If you tell me something that is wrong, I fix it. I take this to an extreme, as I do many things in my life, and get myself in trouble trying to fix other people's problems. I'm learning that there is a time and a place to step in. Some people don't want help and they don't want things to get better. I have to remind myself that I was the person that was constantly screwing things up in my life and not taking other people's feelings into consideration. I only thought of how I felt and what I wanted. My decisions were based off what I wanted and what I was willing to go through to get there.
When I married Geoff, he didn't give into me. Everyone before him accepted that I was a spoiled brat and tried to live with me. I had to forgive a lot of mistakes I made in using the people that were only trying to love me. I wasted years of their lives and hurt a lot of people. Learning to use that repulsion of who I was to make myself a better person today.
I put my daughter in the same situation I was in. I don't live with her father, but hope that someday she understands. I know he loves her and is the best father for her. She loves my husband with all her heart and is overall a happy child. My husband's children are a godsend. I still have my ex-husband's oldest daughter in my life. My ex husband is wonderful in a lot of ways. He's not a bad guy. He's just not the man I was meant to be with.
I watch my parents go through this divorce and I see everyone in my family hurting. I know they are not wanting to hurt anyone, it's just that the situation has gotten bad enough that they can't stand it anymore. It makes me sad that they have been miserable this long. I just want all of us to be happy. I want to not be scared of callin someone because of what they will say. I don't want to have to filter all the words that come out of my mouth because I'm scared it's going to sound like I'm taking sides of one of my parents. I'm scared of feeling like I can relate and then knowing that it's something about myself that I don't like that relates to them.
I just want all this pain in my life gone. It's like I have to be strong to make it through the day at my job and at school and take care of the household and my mother. But, I'm goin to try as hard as I can to keep it together and be as strong as I can for everyone that I love. My husband has been wonderful. He's been honest with me, even when it wasn't nice... and he's listened to me and been my best friend. I'm so glad we found each other in this crazy, crazy world.
I understand this pain because I have a mother that views herself more important than her children. For years, I've been so angry. Lately, through my pscyh and sociology classes, I've learned that some people are just wired different than I am. I can't imagine going through life without seeing my children.
I can't be sure what causes my drive. I have a lot of rage built up towards my kids' mom. It's like the feelings of my childhood come back in watching my daughter cry. I know how bad she is hurting, and like I said before, there's NOTHING I can do to make it better. Nothing. Period.
If you know me, you know I fix things. If you tell me something that is wrong, I fix it. I take this to an extreme, as I do many things in my life, and get myself in trouble trying to fix other people's problems. I'm learning that there is a time and a place to step in. Some people don't want help and they don't want things to get better. I have to remind myself that I was the person that was constantly screwing things up in my life and not taking other people's feelings into consideration. I only thought of how I felt and what I wanted. My decisions were based off what I wanted and what I was willing to go through to get there.
When I married Geoff, he didn't give into me. Everyone before him accepted that I was a spoiled brat and tried to live with me. I had to forgive a lot of mistakes I made in using the people that were only trying to love me. I wasted years of their lives and hurt a lot of people. Learning to use that repulsion of who I was to make myself a better person today.
I put my daughter in the same situation I was in. I don't live with her father, but hope that someday she understands. I know he loves her and is the best father for her. She loves my husband with all her heart and is overall a happy child. My husband's children are a godsend. I still have my ex-husband's oldest daughter in my life. My ex husband is wonderful in a lot of ways. He's not a bad guy. He's just not the man I was meant to be with.
I watch my parents go through this divorce and I see everyone in my family hurting. I know they are not wanting to hurt anyone, it's just that the situation has gotten bad enough that they can't stand it anymore. It makes me sad that they have been miserable this long. I just want all of us to be happy. I want to not be scared of callin someone because of what they will say. I don't want to have to filter all the words that come out of my mouth because I'm scared it's going to sound like I'm taking sides of one of my parents. I'm scared of feeling like I can relate and then knowing that it's something about myself that I don't like that relates to them.
I just want all this pain in my life gone. It's like I have to be strong to make it through the day at my job and at school and take care of the household and my mother. But, I'm goin to try as hard as I can to keep it together and be as strong as I can for everyone that I love. My husband has been wonderful. He's been honest with me, even when it wasn't nice... and he's listened to me and been my best friend. I'm so glad we found each other in this crazy, crazy world.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Friends - Or lack thereof..
I just got done talking to a friend that I haven't talked to in years.
She probably thinks I'm a nut, but hopefully she doesn't take me being me as too aukward. I am kinda different.
Recognizing her and also making contact with another friend from high school that never judged me is hard at this point in life. I have hundreds of people who will tell you they are my friend, but unfortunately they just like me because of what I can get for them or do for them.
People suck. As a general rule, I don't like new people. I talk to my family and one friend from high school on a regular basis. The girl I do talk to is the one that was at war with my sister for her husband (they've been married now for like 13 years) throughout high school and still holds a grudge. The only reason I really think we're as "close" as we are is so that she can keep up with how my sister's married life is. Everyone's got a reason, right?
As I was feeling sorry for myself the other day, for not having any friends that didn't just like me because I'm cool as hell (which I am), I remembered a girl that was always nice to me and always had kind words. Never once did we argue or fight. When I moved away when I was 15, I lost touch. She graduated and moved on with her life. Honestly I hadn't given much thought to her in the last 16 years. Then, the other day, I started thinking about her and wondering how nice it would be if I had a friend like that now. I have a few people that I can talk to if necessary, but it's hard being surrounded by friends and still feeling lonely.
The two friends... you are good friends... I'm so glad that we are in touch again and know that I'll never forget how great you were to me all those years ago. I am still thankful. Hope we get to know each other all over again. You guys rock!
She probably thinks I'm a nut, but hopefully she doesn't take me being me as too aukward. I am kinda different.
Recognizing her and also making contact with another friend from high school that never judged me is hard at this point in life. I have hundreds of people who will tell you they are my friend, but unfortunately they just like me because of what I can get for them or do for them.
People suck. As a general rule, I don't like new people. I talk to my family and one friend from high school on a regular basis. The girl I do talk to is the one that was at war with my sister for her husband (they've been married now for like 13 years) throughout high school and still holds a grudge. The only reason I really think we're as "close" as we are is so that she can keep up with how my sister's married life is. Everyone's got a reason, right?
As I was feeling sorry for myself the other day, for not having any friends that didn't just like me because I'm cool as hell (which I am), I remembered a girl that was always nice to me and always had kind words. Never once did we argue or fight. When I moved away when I was 15, I lost touch. She graduated and moved on with her life. Honestly I hadn't given much thought to her in the last 16 years. Then, the other day, I started thinking about her and wondering how nice it would be if I had a friend like that now. I have a few people that I can talk to if necessary, but it's hard being surrounded by friends and still feeling lonely.
The two friends... you are good friends... I'm so glad that we are in touch again and know that I'll never forget how great you were to me all those years ago. I am still thankful. Hope we get to know each other all over again. You guys rock!
Monday, September 28, 2009
My psychology report on a journal article...fun stuff...just turned it in
The study I chose to base my review off of was titled Ties That Bind: A Qualitative Study of Happy Long-Term Marriages. The intent of this article is to explain the success of marriages that have lasted longer than 35 years. The article explains how throughout the past decades, the definition of “long-term” has changed considerably. It started small, at 10 years, and some now consider fifty years long term.
My reasoning for chosing this article is very personal. My mother and father are currently going through a divorce and I have been married four times. My children reside in what society has coined a “broken home” and try to survive in a world that was not created for them. With that in mind, the reason I chose this article is to learn more about what causes people to have enough faith in another person to spend their lives with each other. I have plenty of personal experience as to what does not work in relationships, so I hope to learn what causes success.
One of the results surprised me, but only for selfish reasons. The group used in the research only contained one couple out of fifteen that were not raised in a long-term relationship (had come from broken homes). All the other participants parents’ were married to each other in happy relationships. In a way, I feel cheated because I do not have that perspective. My experience is solely from the perspective of the broken home. My biological parents divorced when I was 7 and now my father and step-mother are divorcing after 23 years. The odds of my marriage being a long-term seem to be unlikely when viewed in this perspective. Only through determination and belief in myself can I achieve the unlikely.
Another result of the study was compatability between partners. Enjoyment of the partner’s personality and finding humor were two listed causes for prolonged happiness. Being your partner’s best friend was important to one couple in the study.
I believe the author of this study truly attempted to acquire results for a broad range of cultures as well as races, but lacked the means to perform such a task. All the participants in the group where white. The location of the study was in Maine. The limited subjects accessible can theoretically be compared to other regions of the country. We share the same basic culture and social standards are basically the same.
The study used open-ended questions in gathering information about the relationships. The questions ranged from “Why do you think that you have been married as long as you have?” to children and religion’s effect on the marriage. Most of the explinations for the marriage lasting so long were generally the same. Respect for one another, friendship, laughter were just a few of the answers given. The answers given by each partner tend to match. This part of the process made me smile.
The effects children have on the marriage cause a sinking feeling in my stomach. As a parent, I would love to undo the mistakes of my past and present my children to a world where their parents stay married and we could give them the life we always wanted. The article made me realize how much children learn from the behaviors of their parents, even on a basic level. Understanding the respect required to maintain a long-term relationship is key to making it happen. Adults from broken homes must diligently search for the knowledge not learned as needed to maintain healthy, long-term relationsips.
The study revealed examples of parents explaining how the children “cemented” their relationship. It showed how selfishness was not abundant in these relationships. Needs of others seemed to be put before each of the particpants. Another’s wants or desires seem to be as important as their own. In reflection to my own life, I notice how since changing my selfish behavior, my relationship with my husband has improved. Through me improving my own actions, it forces him to take responsibility for his selfish actions when they occur. This is one way this article confirms my belief that a mutual respect must occur for a relationship to make it to the “long-term” status, even based on the lightest definition of ten years.
I was dissapointed with the depth of the article. In finding the article, I anticipated learning more factual information that I did. A lot of the article can be guessed by anyone in a relationship. The length of the relationship just depends on the ability of the other person to continue to desire to spend time with you. We end relationships with others for the same reason: We’re tired of being around them. For the people made the basis of this article, they have found people who they never tire of. In a society of bigger and better, these people choose the same person they have chosen before.
The article supports the author’s desires to have specific factors that contribute to a successful relationship. Even if they seem to be common sense to me, this article explains the process and examines the basis of a healthy marriage. Two must be friends and generally like the other person for the connections to last. Compromise and communication are key.
Maybe as a society we can teach ourselves more about learning to accept each other and not look for perfection. Maybe we can understand relationships take work and see that result is worth the effort. I am finally in a place in my life where I want the happily ever after and am willing to give all I have to make it happen. Fortunately, I’m married to a man who wants the same thing. Maybe someone’ll ask me in 33 years to be a part of their study of couples married for more than 35 years. We’ll just have to wait and see.
My reasoning for chosing this article is very personal. My mother and father are currently going through a divorce and I have been married four times. My children reside in what society has coined a “broken home” and try to survive in a world that was not created for them. With that in mind, the reason I chose this article is to learn more about what causes people to have enough faith in another person to spend their lives with each other. I have plenty of personal experience as to what does not work in relationships, so I hope to learn what causes success.
One of the results surprised me, but only for selfish reasons. The group used in the research only contained one couple out of fifteen that were not raised in a long-term relationship (had come from broken homes). All the other participants parents’ were married to each other in happy relationships. In a way, I feel cheated because I do not have that perspective. My experience is solely from the perspective of the broken home. My biological parents divorced when I was 7 and now my father and step-mother are divorcing after 23 years. The odds of my marriage being a long-term seem to be unlikely when viewed in this perspective. Only through determination and belief in myself can I achieve the unlikely.
Another result of the study was compatability between partners. Enjoyment of the partner’s personality and finding humor were two listed causes for prolonged happiness. Being your partner’s best friend was important to one couple in the study.
I believe the author of this study truly attempted to acquire results for a broad range of cultures as well as races, but lacked the means to perform such a task. All the participants in the group where white. The location of the study was in Maine. The limited subjects accessible can theoretically be compared to other regions of the country. We share the same basic culture and social standards are basically the same.
The study used open-ended questions in gathering information about the relationships. The questions ranged from “Why do you think that you have been married as long as you have?” to children and religion’s effect on the marriage. Most of the explinations for the marriage lasting so long were generally the same. Respect for one another, friendship, laughter were just a few of the answers given. The answers given by each partner tend to match. This part of the process made me smile.
The effects children have on the marriage cause a sinking feeling in my stomach. As a parent, I would love to undo the mistakes of my past and present my children to a world where their parents stay married and we could give them the life we always wanted. The article made me realize how much children learn from the behaviors of their parents, even on a basic level. Understanding the respect required to maintain a long-term relationship is key to making it happen. Adults from broken homes must diligently search for the knowledge not learned as needed to maintain healthy, long-term relationsips.
The study revealed examples of parents explaining how the children “cemented” their relationship. It showed how selfishness was not abundant in these relationships. Needs of others seemed to be put before each of the particpants. Another’s wants or desires seem to be as important as their own. In reflection to my own life, I notice how since changing my selfish behavior, my relationship with my husband has improved. Through me improving my own actions, it forces him to take responsibility for his selfish actions when they occur. This is one way this article confirms my belief that a mutual respect must occur for a relationship to make it to the “long-term” status, even based on the lightest definition of ten years.
I was dissapointed with the depth of the article. In finding the article, I anticipated learning more factual information that I did. A lot of the article can be guessed by anyone in a relationship. The length of the relationship just depends on the ability of the other person to continue to desire to spend time with you. We end relationships with others for the same reason: We’re tired of being around them. For the people made the basis of this article, they have found people who they never tire of. In a society of bigger and better, these people choose the same person they have chosen before.
The article supports the author’s desires to have specific factors that contribute to a successful relationship. Even if they seem to be common sense to me, this article explains the process and examines the basis of a healthy marriage. Two must be friends and generally like the other person for the connections to last. Compromise and communication are key.
Maybe as a society we can teach ourselves more about learning to accept each other and not look for perfection. Maybe we can understand relationships take work and see that result is worth the effort. I am finally in a place in my life where I want the happily ever after and am willing to give all I have to make it happen. Fortunately, I’m married to a man who wants the same thing. Maybe someone’ll ask me in 33 years to be a part of their study of couples married for more than 35 years. We’ll just have to wait and see.
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