Amazing Grace

The song that brings tears to my eyes because of the reminder it usually holds. While watching the services for the fallen soldiers, I heard the beginning of the song being played on the bagpipes. This rips my heart open every time I hear it. This was played at my son's funeral. He lived such a short life, I value the few memories I have of him. Of those few are the playing of that song. Just before my father watched him be laid to rest. The words of the song have always brought a painful reminder of the loss of my son.

Today, when the song started to play, instead of changing the channel like I usually do, I closed my eyes and let myself hear the music. Then, in the background, someone started singing the song. "Was blind, but now I see" has a whole new meaning to me.

On the camping trip this last weekend, something inside of me broke. It's something that I can't say I'll miss, but it's like I finally realized that I am not responsible for saving the world. I have a family and I have to learn to trust them. I realized that I don't trust anyone because I don't have the guts to really let anyone, even my children, inside all the way. I'm fearful of the pain that comes with the loss.

Learning to trust people after years of keeping the deepest part of you to yourself is hard. It's hard to let someone so close that they can really hurt you. I love Geoff with all my heart, but I never realized how much I disrespected him and took him for granted. The kids have to deal with me being scared of the amount of feelings I have for them. I realized on the camp out, when I had realized that I was so worried about the small details, I missed a lot of big things. It's like I finally realized what others have been telling me for years.

I can't expect anyone to give me all of them if I'm not willing to open up and give 100%, too. It's a big step and one that I'm tryin to figure out how to do. He deserves it. I'm finding friendships that are strong and learning to lean on others and share my problems, but not try to evoke sympathy, just being there for people and trusting them to be there for me.

My relationship with my father has grown tremendously in the last month. Thanksgiving we're going on a trip together while the kids are with their other parents and Geoff is hunting. We talk on a regular basis. I'm learning so much from talking to him and getting to know the man that somehow I've missed for the last 31 years. 31 is my lucky number, I think.

I am so blessed and thankfully am realizing this all now so I can spend the rest of my life the way I'm supposed to.