My psychology report on a journal article...fun stuff...just turned it in

The study I chose to base my review off of was titled Ties That Bind: A Qualitative Study of Happy Long-Term Marriages. The intent of this article is to explain the success of marriages that have lasted longer than 35 years. The article explains how throughout the past decades, the definition of “long-term” has changed considerably. It started small, at 10 years, and some now consider fifty years long term.


My reasoning for chosing this article is very personal. My mother and father are currently going through a divorce and I have been married four times. My children reside in what society has coined a “broken home” and try to survive in a world that was not created for them. With that in mind, the reason I chose this article is to learn more about what causes people to have enough faith in another person to spend their lives with each other. I have plenty of personal experience as to what does not work in relationships, so I hope to learn what causes success.

One of the results surprised me, but only for selfish reasons. The group used in the research only contained one couple out of fifteen that were not raised in a long-term relationship (had come from broken homes). All the other participants parents’ were married to each other in happy relationships. In a way, I feel cheated because I do not have that perspective. My experience is solely from the perspective of the broken home. My biological parents divorced when I was 7 and now my father and step-mother are divorcing after 23 years. The odds of my marriage being a long-term seem to be unlikely when viewed in this perspective. Only through determination and belief in myself can I achieve the unlikely.

Another result of the study was compatability between partners. Enjoyment of the partner’s personality and finding humor were two listed causes for prolonged happiness. Being your partner’s best friend was important to one couple in the study.

I believe the author of this study truly attempted to acquire results for a broad range of cultures as well as races, but lacked the means to perform such a task. All the participants in the group where white. The location of the study was in Maine. The limited subjects accessible can theoretically be compared to other regions of the country. We share the same basic culture and social standards are basically the same.

The study used open-ended questions in gathering information about the relationships. The questions ranged from “Why do you think that you have been married as long as you have?” to children and religion’s effect on the marriage. Most of the explinations for the marriage lasting so long were generally the same. Respect for one another, friendship, laughter were just a few of the answers given. The answers given by each partner tend to match. This part of the process made me smile.

The effects children have on the marriage cause a sinking feeling in my stomach. As a parent, I would love to undo the mistakes of my past and present my children to a world where their parents stay married and we could give them the life we always wanted. The article made me realize how much children learn from the behaviors of their parents, even on a basic level. Understanding the respect required to maintain a long-term relationship is key to making it happen. Adults from broken homes must diligently search for the knowledge not learned as needed to maintain healthy, long-term relationsips.

The study revealed examples of parents explaining how the children “cemented” their relationship. It showed how selfishness was not abundant in these relationships. Needs of others seemed to be put before each of the particpants. Another’s wants or desires seem to be as important as their own. In reflection to my own life, I notice how since changing my selfish behavior, my relationship with my husband has improved. Through me improving my own actions, it forces him to take responsibility for his selfish actions when they occur. This is one way this article confirms my belief that a mutual respect must occur for a relationship to make it to the “long-term” status, even based on the lightest definition of ten years.

I was dissapointed with the depth of the article. In finding the article, I anticipated learning more factual information that I did. A lot of the article can be guessed by anyone in a relationship. The length of the relationship just depends on the ability of the other person to continue to desire to spend time with you. We end relationships with others for the same reason: We’re tired of being around them. For the people made the basis of this article, they have found people who they never tire of. In a society of bigger and better, these people choose the same person they have chosen before.

The article supports the author’s desires to have specific factors that contribute to a successful relationship. Even if they seem to be common sense to me, this article explains the process and examines the basis of a healthy marriage. Two must be friends and generally like the other person for the connections to last. Compromise and communication are key.

Maybe as a society we can teach ourselves more about learning to accept each other and not look for perfection. Maybe we can understand relationships take work and see that result is worth the effort. I am finally in a place in my life where I want the happily ever after and am willing to give all I have to make it happen. Fortunately, I’m married to a man who wants the same thing. Maybe someone’ll ask me in 33 years to be a part of their study of couples married for more than 35 years. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Algebra and Sociology....Reminds me of Lions, Tigers, and Bears

I guess I can understand where people need to know basic math for reality in the real world, but why Algebra? I just don't get it.
Talking with a friend last night, I realized how far I've come in the last few months. She came to me with a real problem and I feel like I was actually helpful. I didn't just type what my mind was racing through, which is what I used to do, but instead I thought out all the different avenues that my mind spit out and then asked myself which I thought would be the most useful.
I've come so far. I'm so proud of myself and know that I'm going to have to get used to the constant extra steps it's going to take to have normal relationships, but I'm learning to truly think about what I say before I say it. It's become invaluable in conversations with Geoff. I've learned that he won't think of things the way I do and that I have to explain things to him in ways he will understand. When we have a disagreement, no longer is it a power struggle to figure out who is right, we are learning to listen to each other and when we don't understand what the other is saying (even if it's obvious to them), we state it in a different way.
I'm psyched because my mom is coming down next month. She's going to spend two nights at my house while she's in town. Her friends from high school live down here so she gets a lot of visiting done. I've taken a day off work and we're going to have a girls' day. I can't wait.
Then, later in the month, a friend is going to be in town for a convention. I'm stoked. I have so much to look forward to but at the same time, I feel swammped. I know there's so much schoolwork and studying to be done between now and then.
I can do this. I've got this. I keep telling myself that and somehow it makes it easier. I don't want to quit relaxing and go do my work, but it's got to be done. I'm so proud of us. We've come so far.

Ramblings for today

Going to school full time and working full time is a lot harder this semester than it was last. The classes I'm taking are far more advanced and I feel like I'm constantly trying to keep up. Work has been busy. I normally would be thrilled, but it's so hard when it feels like I'm in a constant state of rush to make sure everything gets done.

I can remember being bored at my job. I can remember being bored at home. Now when I get home, I'm not allowing myself the laziness I used to enjoy. I try to spend as much time with my children as possible and don't let myself get involved in anything that doesn't have to do with my family, work or school.


The days seem to whiz by and weekends are spent trying to catch up on all the school work I couldn't get done during the week. On an average night, I'm not going to bed until midnight. Even with that late of a bedtime, I rarely have more than a five minute reprieve from the reality my life has become. I have a job that I love and a family that is wonderful. I remind myself of this on a regular basis.

I'm learning the hard way that life isn't about me. It's not about me getting what I want anymore. It's about doing what is best for my children and looking ahead when it feels like it's becoming too much. There are days I just want to stand up and start screaming. Not at anyone in particular, just to get the frustration of life not working like I want it to out. When I reach this point, I feel guilty for even feeling this way.

I used to be a selfish person. I was extremely lazy and expected everyone around me to live life on my terms. If they didn't like my terms, they could leave. Geoff has taught me that it's not about me or any of us in particular, it's about the whole of the family. He doesn't realize how much strength I gain from him being my husband and that hurts me. I do not have the skills to communicate to him what I'm truly feeling. He sees the anger and frustration I deal with on a regular basis and I am working to improve my communication with him.

It's just that life is so hard and I watch others around me and envy what they have. There are days where I feel cheated that I don't have more money or time. I try to remind myself during those times that I made the decisions to lead to where I was. Then, I try to remind myself to be proud. I'm not that person anymore. I don't live life on my terms. Life is a lot harder this way, taking responsibility for my own actions, but it's much more rewarding.

I worry for my husband. He is just as afraid to love another as I am. He wants to believe that I love him with all my heart, but he can easily list all the reasons I don't. I don't harbor resentment for him because of this because I fight my own demons on a regular basis. I don't have the crutch of using other people because I don't do that anymore. As easy as it sounds to "not use people", when you've been doing it your whole life, it's a hard habit to break.

I see myself in my children when it's not a good thing. I see them trying to manipulate others to get what they want and I see how they have learned the behavior from me. This hurts. I remember how I was a miserable child. Not due to intention by my parents, you see. It's lack of knowledge. The hard part with me being the parent now is that it's my job. I know how hard it is to be the child, but never realized the amount of grief my parents must have experienced.

I want to be a better person. I want to be a better mother. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better daughter. I want to be a better sister. I know that changing my major to psychology shocked some and didn't surprise others, but I want to learn how to deal with the things that are broken within me and learn how to help others.

Enough for now. Back to work.

My parents are getting divorced.

My first notion is to wonder how this could happen and try to alter the path they are on and try to resolve the situation. My heart breaks because for the last 23 years, my stepmom has been my mom and now she's leaving my father. Part of me (just part) wants to stomp my feet and scream until they give in and say that they have decided to work it out.
But, then another part of me knows that it's not my problem. Period. They are both grown adults and I have to trust that they know what is best for them. It's just so hard to accept that the home they built for us over the last 23 years is now gone. There is no more "Granny and Pops" it's now "Granny" and "Pops".
My heart goes out to them and I hope eventually they both find happiness. Lately they have both been miserable and I can only hope that somewhere along this path they can find happiness. My prayers and thoughts are with them.