Ramblings for today

Going to school full time and working full time is a lot harder this semester than it was last. The classes I'm taking are far more advanced and I feel like I'm constantly trying to keep up. Work has been busy. I normally would be thrilled, but it's so hard when it feels like I'm in a constant state of rush to make sure everything gets done.

I can remember being bored at my job. I can remember being bored at home. Now when I get home, I'm not allowing myself the laziness I used to enjoy. I try to spend as much time with my children as possible and don't let myself get involved in anything that doesn't have to do with my family, work or school.


The days seem to whiz by and weekends are spent trying to catch up on all the school work I couldn't get done during the week. On an average night, I'm not going to bed until midnight. Even with that late of a bedtime, I rarely have more than a five minute reprieve from the reality my life has become. I have a job that I love and a family that is wonderful. I remind myself of this on a regular basis.

I'm learning the hard way that life isn't about me. It's not about me getting what I want anymore. It's about doing what is best for my children and looking ahead when it feels like it's becoming too much. There are days I just want to stand up and start screaming. Not at anyone in particular, just to get the frustration of life not working like I want it to out. When I reach this point, I feel guilty for even feeling this way.

I used to be a selfish person. I was extremely lazy and expected everyone around me to live life on my terms. If they didn't like my terms, they could leave. Geoff has taught me that it's not about me or any of us in particular, it's about the whole of the family. He doesn't realize how much strength I gain from him being my husband and that hurts me. I do not have the skills to communicate to him what I'm truly feeling. He sees the anger and frustration I deal with on a regular basis and I am working to improve my communication with him.

It's just that life is so hard and I watch others around me and envy what they have. There are days where I feel cheated that I don't have more money or time. I try to remind myself during those times that I made the decisions to lead to where I was. Then, I try to remind myself to be proud. I'm not that person anymore. I don't live life on my terms. Life is a lot harder this way, taking responsibility for my own actions, but it's much more rewarding.

I worry for my husband. He is just as afraid to love another as I am. He wants to believe that I love him with all my heart, but he can easily list all the reasons I don't. I don't harbor resentment for him because of this because I fight my own demons on a regular basis. I don't have the crutch of using other people because I don't do that anymore. As easy as it sounds to "not use people", when you've been doing it your whole life, it's a hard habit to break.

I see myself in my children when it's not a good thing. I see them trying to manipulate others to get what they want and I see how they have learned the behavior from me. This hurts. I remember how I was a miserable child. Not due to intention by my parents, you see. It's lack of knowledge. The hard part with me being the parent now is that it's my job. I know how hard it is to be the child, but never realized the amount of grief my parents must have experienced.

I want to be a better person. I want to be a better mother. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better daughter. I want to be a better sister. I know that changing my major to psychology shocked some and didn't surprise others, but I want to learn how to deal with the things that are broken within me and learn how to help others.

Enough for now. Back to work.