Ugh

What is it about porn that bothers me so much? I actually enjoy aspects and results, but am horribly offended when someone I'm with views it. I know part of it is the insecurity and feeling inferior to the women in most porn. I'm not as sexy as they are and then worry that I'm not wanted due to my lack of sexiness.

Maybe I'm just sexually retarded. I've always had issues with sex, dating all the way back to when I was 12. I know when I even think about my spouse watching it, I feel the rage starting to build up inside of me. Another aspect that bothers me is that people will lie to me about it and then try to excuse the action by explaining they knew I'd be upset. So, in essence, they are lying to me to protect myself. From what they are doing and know I'd be upset about doing, so they must lie.

This is so hard for me and has been for many years. I don't know if it's normal for a man to do that. It's so accessible, you can even get it on your cell phone. It's everywhere. I feel like a spouse shouldn't have the free reign to watch what they wish, I feel like it's disrespectful to the wife. I can see the draw to get caught up in the fantasy, but reality still exists and I still hurt.

I think I'm going to bring this up in therapy next week. There has to be a better way to deal with it. I know I have trust issues, but don't know if that is because of me or because of the memories of lies. Dang it, I wished there was a button that I could push that would turn my emotions off. They drive me crazy sometimes.

I really hate being sick

I have been down for a couple of days with food poisoning. That's what they said it was. I seriously hate being sick.

I go to therapy tomorrow. I feel like it's been so long since I've been. I know in my head it's only been two weeks, but so much has happened in that two weeks. Last weekend I went home to help my dad unpack in his new house. We were sitting on his front porch talking and we started talking about when I was a kid. I brought up the subject of how we were treated when we were kids. I don't remember much of my childhood, nothing before my mother walked out.

He started telling me stories of how my twin sister used to follow me around. He laughed and said I was always the leader. He was smiling as he told me of the messes we made. He looked at me suddenly then and asked what happened between me and you. I was scared, but I just looked at him and said "you didn't know how to talk to me". I explained (like my therapist has to me) how when I'm told to do something, I can't logically justify doing it until I have the reasoning behind it. There are a lot of people out there with that personality quirk, and sometimes parents are patient enough to develop open communication and some aren't. My father was raised with the "because I said so" answer being acceptable.

I'm learning that I have major communication issues and don't usually say what I really mean. My insecurities make it so I don't feel like I'm worth reaching out to, so I feel like I have to manipulate people to get them to do what I want. I try to control everything and have it my way. It's a hard habit to break and it's a lot easier to point out the flaws in those around me.

I'm hoping to not feel so lost. I don't like being sick because then I spend the time feeling guilty for taking the time off work and trying to figure out if I'm really sick or just being lazy. Was I really sick enough today to warrant a day off? I keep reminding myself that since I was up half the night, it's ok. I truly am sick. Even the clinic says so. Why, then, do I still have this guilt?

Hubby and I are learning how to communicate better. He's learning to question my motives and accept my answers when I tell him it's not him. It's a start. I know in my heart I'm on the right path. Just have to find the strength to stay there...