Blessed

I'm so blessed. I've found a place where I truly belong and enjoy my life. I'm in therapy and ordered the book yesterday that my therapist said I should read. He says I'm codependent. It's a term I've heard before but never really dug into what it meant. I'm learning that I am in control of my anger and that how I treat others is my responsibility, even if it's not intentional. I must begin to take responsibility for acting in ways that I've always just expected other people to deal with the angry side of me and taken for granted how much people have really put up with all these years.

With this realization comes guilt. I've become a lot more like the person I want to be. I know I still have a ways to go and that this will be a battle I must fight for the rest of my life. I'm working on moving on from all the mistakes I've made in my life, but there's still a lot of anxiety inside of me. Some of it is explained by all the crap I have put all the people that love me through, but another part of it is unknown and that is the part I'm trying to deal with.

I see the bad parts of myself in my children. They aren't nearly as extreme as I am, but I see them learning my reactions and following suit and I don't want that. It's hard not to walk into therapy and tell the therapist what they want to hear. I don't want to go to please someone else for once, I want to go because I want to get better. It's a long road ahead of me, but I've come to realize that I'm on the right path. It's taken so long to get here, but I'm so blessed to have finally found where I belong and can be me, not who I think everyone else wants.