The song that brings tears to my eyes because of the reminder it usually holds. While watching the services for the fallen soldiers, I heard the beginning of the song being played on the bagpipes. This rips my heart open every time I hear it. This was played at my son's funeral. He lived such a short life, I value the few memories I have of him. Of those few are the playing of that song. Just before my father watched him be laid to rest. The words of the song have always brought a painful reminder of the loss of my son.
Today, when the song started to play, instead of changing the channel like I usually do, I closed my eyes and let myself hear the music. Then, in the background, someone started singing the song. "Was blind, but now I see" has a whole new meaning to me.
On the camping trip this last weekend, something inside of me broke. It's something that I can't say I'll miss, but it's like I finally realized that I am not responsible for saving the world. I have a family and I have to learn to trust them. I realized that I don't trust anyone because I don't have the guts to really let anyone, even my children, inside all the way. I'm fearful of the pain that comes with the loss.
Learning to trust people after years of keeping the deepest part of you to yourself is hard. It's hard to let someone so close that they can really hurt you. I love Geoff with all my heart, but I never realized how much I disrespected him and took him for granted. The kids have to deal with me being scared of the amount of feelings I have for them. I realized on the camp out, when I had realized that I was so worried about the small details, I missed a lot of big things. It's like I finally realized what others have been telling me for years.
I can't expect anyone to give me all of them if I'm not willing to open up and give 100%, too. It's a big step and one that I'm tryin to figure out how to do. He deserves it. I'm finding friendships that are strong and learning to lean on others and share my problems, but not try to evoke sympathy, just being there for people and trusting them to be there for me.
My relationship with my father has grown tremendously in the last month. Thanksgiving we're going on a trip together while the kids are with their other parents and Geoff is hunting. We talk on a regular basis. I'm learning so much from talking to him and getting to know the man that somehow I've missed for the last 31 years. 31 is my lucky number, I think.
I am so blessed and thankfully am realizing this all now so I can spend the rest of my life the way I'm supposed to.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
The Best of You...
One of my favorites songs out there is "Best of You" by the Foo Fighters. The beat is awesome, so it's a great song to jam out to when you're having a moment, so I highly recommend. Today, sitting at my desk at work and jamming to the song, I realized what the "best" really means.
My take on it is this. The best means are you giving yourself to someone without holding back? Are you protecting part of yourself because you can't stand to be hurt anymore. When you love, do you love 100% or like 80 or 90, just to cover yourself. The best of you is that 10-20% that no one gets. That's the real you. Not the part that is out there for the public to see, but the core of who you are.
If you are in a relationship and aren't giving 100%, think about this. You can never experience unconditional love unless you give 100% of yourself. Even if you're only giving it to yourself, you have to learn to not let fear rule how you behave. We have all been hurt and the more we get hurt, the more we tend to protect ourselves. The flip side of that is that the people who hurt us made it so that no one else can see the real you. You showed it to people when you were younger, but have learned that all people can't be trusted.
I wished I would have been raised to learn to trust people. Not just do it because you're supposed to. I hope that in my journey through school, I can learn how to pick between people who are around me to take advantage and people who truly care. I'm learning that to love others, I HAVE to love myself. If I don't like something about myself, I need to change it. My life's path is my choice and though I haven't figured out how to do it yet, I'm on the road to giving myself to those who truly show me they love me and learning to let go of those people that are only there when they need/want something.
Go give the song a listen. Then, go about life and start giving 100%.
My take on it is this. The best means are you giving yourself to someone without holding back? Are you protecting part of yourself because you can't stand to be hurt anymore. When you love, do you love 100% or like 80 or 90, just to cover yourself. The best of you is that 10-20% that no one gets. That's the real you. Not the part that is out there for the public to see, but the core of who you are.
If you are in a relationship and aren't giving 100%, think about this. You can never experience unconditional love unless you give 100% of yourself. Even if you're only giving it to yourself, you have to learn to not let fear rule how you behave. We have all been hurt and the more we get hurt, the more we tend to protect ourselves. The flip side of that is that the people who hurt us made it so that no one else can see the real you. You showed it to people when you were younger, but have learned that all people can't be trusted.
I wished I would have been raised to learn to trust people. Not just do it because you're supposed to. I hope that in my journey through school, I can learn how to pick between people who are around me to take advantage and people who truly care. I'm learning that to love others, I HAVE to love myself. If I don't like something about myself, I need to change it. My life's path is my choice and though I haven't figured out how to do it yet, I'm on the road to giving myself to those who truly show me they love me and learning to let go of those people that are only there when they need/want something.
Go give the song a listen. Then, go about life and start giving 100%.
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