Who'd have thunk?

I used to be so much lazier than I am now. Some days, like today, I just want to lie in bed all day and not remember that there is a world out there that needs my participation. But, then I hear one of my children's voices and instead of frustration, I feel joy. The reason for this... I got to know my kids. I spent time with them one on one and learned that all my kids are very different and have very different needs.

It hurts me because I realize I've been neglecting a lot of those needs without ever realizing it. When I asked them to do something, I was annoyed when they asked why and then suddenly I realized that they don't automatically know why, like I do. When I ask them not to do something, I've learned that if I explain what I was scared of happening (a mess, etc.) then they understood and had a lot more respect for me.

I learned so much about patience and love from my mother. She didn't give birth to me, but she loved me, even when she didn't like me. I don't like the person I became. I was raised in a world of blind acceptance and frustration with lack of instruction. I was expected to understand the workings of the world and learned how to manipulate people with my smarts to cover my embarassment of not knowing the "right" way to do so many things.

When I married my husband, he showed me the world my mother gave me a glimpse of. Love that doesn't end. Love that I know will be there. I hurt so many people trying to prove to myself that someone loved me. I wasted so much of my life playing games with people to feed my insecurity. It's a sick cycle and one that I am so glad to be rid of.