Life as of this minute

My heart is so heavy. I loathe some of the tasks that come with my life. I feel ashamed that I don't want to take responsibility for my choices and yet feel the weight of responsibility. I know what I must do and will do it, just don't want to right at this moment. Life seems so hard and yet I know I'm the only one that made the choices to get to the place that I'm at. I want to reveal my problems to those around me, but have grimly realized that I have made the choices to get to where I am in life and it's no one else's problem.

I see the grass is greener on the other side, yet forget how blessed I am. I look for the easy way and am relieved when others want to quit, too. I am what I want not to be, yet force myself to pretend that I am more than I am and can actually pull this off. Others depend on me and I find it hard to understand their reasoning.

I feel crazy at this moment. I know it will pass and life will continue to unfold and I'll handle what I need to as the time comes. I know grief has it's own process and know the day will come where life won't seem quite so hard. I have a husband that loves me and children that think I'm wonderful. I have a sister who still gets up every day, even after experiencing tragedy I can't even begin to fathom. I have a father who is dancing in heaven and rejoicing the Lord with our precious Lauren.

Off to see if my father will visit me in my dreams again tonight. I have to admit, it was nice to see him, if only in my dreams.