Ugh

What is it about porn that bothers me so much? I actually enjoy aspects and results, but am horribly offended when someone I'm with views it. I know part of it is the insecurity and feeling inferior to the women in most porn. I'm not as sexy as they are and then worry that I'm not wanted due to my lack of sexiness.

Maybe I'm just sexually retarded. I've always had issues with sex, dating all the way back to when I was 12. I know when I even think about my spouse watching it, I feel the rage starting to build up inside of me. Another aspect that bothers me is that people will lie to me about it and then try to excuse the action by explaining they knew I'd be upset. So, in essence, they are lying to me to protect myself. From what they are doing and know I'd be upset about doing, so they must lie.

This is so hard for me and has been for many years. I don't know if it's normal for a man to do that. It's so accessible, you can even get it on your cell phone. It's everywhere. I feel like a spouse shouldn't have the free reign to watch what they wish, I feel like it's disrespectful to the wife. I can see the draw to get caught up in the fantasy, but reality still exists and I still hurt.

I think I'm going to bring this up in therapy next week. There has to be a better way to deal with it. I know I have trust issues, but don't know if that is because of me or because of the memories of lies. Dang it, I wished there was a button that I could push that would turn my emotions off. They drive me crazy sometimes.

I really hate being sick

I have been down for a couple of days with food poisoning. That's what they said it was. I seriously hate being sick.

I go to therapy tomorrow. I feel like it's been so long since I've been. I know in my head it's only been two weeks, but so much has happened in that two weeks. Last weekend I went home to help my dad unpack in his new house. We were sitting on his front porch talking and we started talking about when I was a kid. I brought up the subject of how we were treated when we were kids. I don't remember much of my childhood, nothing before my mother walked out.

He started telling me stories of how my twin sister used to follow me around. He laughed and said I was always the leader. He was smiling as he told me of the messes we made. He looked at me suddenly then and asked what happened between me and you. I was scared, but I just looked at him and said "you didn't know how to talk to me". I explained (like my therapist has to me) how when I'm told to do something, I can't logically justify doing it until I have the reasoning behind it. There are a lot of people out there with that personality quirk, and sometimes parents are patient enough to develop open communication and some aren't. My father was raised with the "because I said so" answer being acceptable.

I'm learning that I have major communication issues and don't usually say what I really mean. My insecurities make it so I don't feel like I'm worth reaching out to, so I feel like I have to manipulate people to get them to do what I want. I try to control everything and have it my way. It's a hard habit to break and it's a lot easier to point out the flaws in those around me.

I'm hoping to not feel so lost. I don't like being sick because then I spend the time feeling guilty for taking the time off work and trying to figure out if I'm really sick or just being lazy. Was I really sick enough today to warrant a day off? I keep reminding myself that since I was up half the night, it's ok. I truly am sick. Even the clinic says so. Why, then, do I still have this guilt?

Hubby and I are learning how to communicate better. He's learning to question my motives and accept my answers when I tell him it's not him. It's a start. I know in my heart I'm on the right path. Just have to find the strength to stay there...

Dishes aren't completely done...

But, most of them are either done or in the drain rack. The three dogs are clean and the fishtank has gotten somewhat of a makeover. Of course we only have 2 of the original 30 something fish we had in there still living, but at least when we put more in the tank, we'll be prepared. Oh, the fun of pets.

I heard an ad on the radio today that told the story of how memorial day started and why it is in this part of the year. It was just after the civil war and people waited for the snow to melt to bury their dead. The graves were dug and the soldiers laid to rest. Then, annually after that, they would come out in late May and put flowers on the graves, after the snow melted. Hm. It wasn't actually a national holiday until sometime in the 50's, I believe.

Soon I have to get started on a website for the company. I know it's only going to take a bit of time, but it's hard and I don't have Boyce to do it for me. Selfish, I know, but he could do it in about 1/25 of the time it will take me. 

Who knows what will come out

It's like something is missing and I can't figure what it is. I know I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut when it comes to Brandon. Geoff is scared and I want to support him, but I want to fix it even more. I'm not good at sitting and watching people I care about hurt. I'm just not any good at it. I tend to do whatever is necessary to fix the problem.

I feel like I'm waiting for something that I know is coming, just don't have a clue what it is or where it is coming from. In therapy, my shrink has been pounding in my head to give up control of all things and let them happen. I'm not creating any situations for me to solve and life should be fairly wonderful at this point.

 The anxiety inside is frustrating and I'm so tempted to give in to the urge to start doing things to let me be in control of my situation. I miss the girls. Rose went to her dad's parents house. She's having a blast. That's almost a guarantee. BJ is safe with Kaci. I know Kaci is going to take super good care of her and that she's going to have a blast up there. Austin is playing video games with his dad and I'm on my laptop playing music and blogging. I know there is not anything that is going on that I have to worry about.

Yet my head is going in circles trying to figure out something to fix and/or do. I'm going to assume this would mean that I'm bored. I hate not knowing what is coming or what I did to make what is about to happen happen. Does that even make sense to a normal person?

Dishes need to be done and fish tank needs to be cleaned out and a bunch of stuff done to it. Dogs need baths and laundry needs to be started. Yeah, life goes on. Might as well go with it...

Blessed

I'm so blessed. I've found a place where I truly belong and enjoy my life. I'm in therapy and ordered the book yesterday that my therapist said I should read. He says I'm codependent. It's a term I've heard before but never really dug into what it meant. I'm learning that I am in control of my anger and that how I treat others is my responsibility, even if it's not intentional. I must begin to take responsibility for acting in ways that I've always just expected other people to deal with the angry side of me and taken for granted how much people have really put up with all these years.

With this realization comes guilt. I've become a lot more like the person I want to be. I know I still have a ways to go and that this will be a battle I must fight for the rest of my life. I'm working on moving on from all the mistakes I've made in my life, but there's still a lot of anxiety inside of me. Some of it is explained by all the crap I have put all the people that love me through, but another part of it is unknown and that is the part I'm trying to deal with.

I see the bad parts of myself in my children. They aren't nearly as extreme as I am, but I see them learning my reactions and following suit and I don't want that. It's hard not to walk into therapy and tell the therapist what they want to hear. I don't want to go to please someone else for once, I want to go because I want to get better. It's a long road ahead of me, but I've come to realize that I'm on the right path. It's taken so long to get here, but I'm so blessed to have finally found where I belong and can be me, not who I think everyone else wants.

Learning to shut up.

In therapy last night, I was told that I'm trying to play God in my life. It was hard to hear and I'm sure the more therapy I get, the more I'm going to hear things I don't like. I got to talk to Brandon for the first time last night. It was the first time I got comfortable enough to talk to him. We talked about playing poker on MySpace and he even added me as a friend on his page so that we could play. Tonight when I logged on, mainly hoping he'd be online so we could talk some more, a message pops up from "Brandon". I smile and tap Geoff on the shoulder and tell him Brandon sent me a message. I open the message to it saying "This is Brandon's mom". Great..

I responded (he showed to be offline) with "I guess technically I'm his step-mother, I don't think we've ever spoken". It's not what I wanted to say. I wanted to be able to talk to her. But, Brandon's not answering his texts and he's not online. I know I need to be patient, that he's almost 16 and in a few years she can't stop us from getting to know him. I don't like to wait and I'm used to stomping my feet (and sometimes that can get pretty impressive) and getting what I want. I'm leaving this with God and not trying to fix it. I'm not going to push anyone to do anything. Something I'm not too good at, but I've got to start somewhere. Brandon seems like something worth leaving to him. He can work miracles and make things happen that are so unlikely that we're all amazed.

I want to get to know him more than anything. But, I'll have to wait. God may be trying to teach me patience, but I'm finally listening. Shut up, Angie..

Insecurity

I know that the people in my life love me. I know that my mind twists things and is very selfish. As I was just informed, I'm "Cold Hearted". The hard part for me to accept, is that is true. It's not something I intentionally choose to be, it just seems to sort of happen.

When I hurt people by the things I say or the way I treat them, I don't take responsibility until much later, if at all. I am hateful in ways most people don't even think of. I'm the meanest person I've ever met. Most people find this entertaining, as long as they are not in the line of fire.

The hard part to deal with is that I don't mean to be selfish. I don't set out to hurt other people, it just seems to work out that way. I force myself to be the center of attention at all cost. I insist on gaining reassurance and sympathy without taking any blame for the situation.

I've always been this way. That much is consistent. I just want to fix it. Don't have a clue how to, though. Working on it. Been in and out of counseling and hope that someday I'll learn how to deal with the irrational insecurities that seem to rule my life.