1/19/13

A positive attitude is not natural to me. I must remind myself daily that I am blessed and force myself not to focus on the heavy thoughts that constantly bombard my mind. Someone once said that demons were all around and I thought they were crazy. I dismissed the thought as insanity and laughed at the thought. I was miserable on the inside and used my time to explain how others were so much worse than I was. Never did I realize the demons were ruling where my mind wandered.

I am proud of the accomplishments of my life. I realize the moments in my life that changed everything came when I ignored the negative and dug deep inside to find courage to do something the voices said I couldn't do. I constantly listen to sermons and force myself to seek positive influences in my life. Being positive and focusing on the blessings I have in my life.

I tell my children constantly that for every positive there is a negative. Since losing my father and forcing myself to not run from responsibility has opened my eyes to a whole new sense of pride. I am learning that the negative for all the positive in my life is the lack of laziness in my life currently.

True happiness is a sense of pride in knowing you have done the right thing. Not making excuses for the lack of action or intent.

There are people in my life who have let me down. Hard. Dropped me and felt no remorse due to the darkness inside of them. They taught me the problems of the world are not my responsibility and my actions do not have to be accounted for if there is an excuse.

I am tired of the excuses. Life is hard and I know there will be times that I'm not as positive as I should be, but I look forward to the challenge of being the woman I dream to be. I find strength in the people who have chosen to stand by me. I mourn the loss of those who don't embrace my new outlook. Some have given up on me and ignore my existence. Through the pain, I will be stronger. 

Peaks, Pits, Praises and Prayers - Day 7

Missed yesterday because it took ALL DAY to drive around Dallas and get the parts to do a tune up on my van. I am exhausted, but am thrilled with driving now. It doesn't sputter and shake while I'm driving. Cylinder #3 is fixed!! Thanks to hubby's friend that did the work! His wife is 8.5 months pregnant and ended up going to the hospital for dehydration while we were there. Keeping her lifted up in prayer.

Peak today - Hanging out with hubby this morning before he left for work. Usually we're off in our own directions and as soon as I start working full time, I'll be leaving the house when I take the kids to school and won't be home until after business hours. I'm trying to use this time to hang and get all done that I need to get done- while I still have a bit of free time. Trying to tie up all the loose ends and make all the calls that I've been putting off. Still have a couple to make, but forcing myself to commit to putting this down every day. 

Pit: Hearing that my twin sister is having to learn to ignore the negative things said about her. She's got her faults, but people take advantage of her and she's too nice to say anything. She posted on Facebook this morning that she's going to stop letting people walk all over her. She's such a good and giving person. She will do just about anything, but she has a lot of insecurities and for a long time those have ruled her life. She's started showing more independence since her daughter and our dad died. She's starting school and gaining more and more confidence. I'm so proud of her. It's a pit, but it's a wonderful step up for her to realize that you don't have to be nice to everyone. Sometimes people have to be told no and not allowed to walk all over people. Even if she has to be rude.

Praises: My cousin is adjusting to feeding and has a appointment for her newborn daughter. She's had her at home for 2 days and is doing great. It's great to text her or just chat with her on Facebook. I met her when she was 13 and am so grateful I have been reintroduced into her life. I pray for her guidance and happiness in the future.

The kids. I'm so proud of the kids in this house. My youngest spent the last weekend at her dad's house (she's my only biological daughter) and my husband's son and daughter were home with us. I feel so bad about dragging them all over yesterday to get the van fixed, but no more shaking! They got to hang out with hubby's friends' kids anyway. It is so nice to have everyone being nice to each other and respecting each other. We are all learning how to respect each other and not talk to each other disrespectfully.

Prayers: I pray for my husband and I's continued growth. I pray for our family's safety. I pray for my nephew, who turns 15 next weekend. I pray for our safety on our family vacation later this week. I pray for forgiveness for all of my selfish, ungodly decisions. I pray for wisdom to be able to control my temper. I pray for the self control to keep my mouth shut when I don't have anything constructive to say or a nice way to say it. I pray for my mind to beat my mouth when I get frustrated. I pray for guidance to become a healthier individual. I thank you for all that you have blessed me with. I know I have more than I need and I want to thank God for blessing me so abundantly.

Peaks, Pits, Praises and Prayers - Day 5

I missed day 4. Go figure. But, I'm learning to be flexible, so just know I'll try to keep myself on track better in the future.

Peak: Picking my 11 year old daughter up from her very first lock in. It irritated me that they had you pick up your kid at 7:00 a.m., but it was worth getting up at 6 a.m. on a Saturday to see a happy girl. She passed out in the car within a couple of minutes (literally) and slept most of the day away. She had a really good time and I am so glad we could give her this memory.

Pit: The frustrating time I spent with my 13 year old step-son completing his school work. I learned something about myself that I didn't like and decided today to do something about it. (Background: He has a really hard time with grades and has been grounded consistently for about 4 years due to failing grades. He has two weeks left in this six weeks to bring his currently failing 2 core class grades up. We are up from failing all of his classes, so he's moving in the right direction. It's just not going as fast as I'd like.) I learned that a lot of time I just give him a vague instruction and then lecture him and bug him about completing the task. Today I was very specific in what he had to do. I was patient when he tried to find excuses why he couldn't do it and even had to tell my husband to back off because he was mad because I was making him go back and redo it. Hubby was mad because the boy was being very rude, but I tried to see the positive. I told hubby how he was being a jerk, but for the first time in years, he's actually willingly doing the changes and completing the assignment. He did all the work and got it done, so that part isn't a pit, but the process of forcing myself to be patient and understanding was hard work. Today it was the pits.

Praises: I am thankful for this new insight into my life. I'm thankful I have a husband that loves me and does things when he can see I don't feel like doing it. After dealing with the boy most of the day, hubby just got up and fixed dinner. Didn't even have to ask. The kids are respecting us more and we are getting along great. I was teasing him earlier and said "How did we end up so lucky?" Instead of his usual response of "I don't know", he said "Maybe it's Karma. Maybe we had to put up with all the crap to get lucky enough to find this." That makes a heart feel good. Especially when my husband isn't the "romantic" type and rarely says that ultimately cool thing at exactly the right time. Reminds me that I am truly blessed and I love him more and never knew someone could make me feel this way.

Prayers: My cousin in CO had her baby recently and got to go home today. I pray for rest and patience for her. I pray for the baby... new to the world. I pray for her health and her mommy's healing. I pray for my friends and family out there in this crazy world. I pray for the women out there that can't understand why their decisions always lead to disaster. I pray for revelation to them. Life is harder when you do it the right way, but Oh so much more rewarding.

Feeling rushed cause dinner is getting put on the table and everyone's waiting on me. Will try to spend more time on it tomorrow.

Peak, Pit, Praise and Prayer - Day 3

Peak: I have a job interview tomorrow at a doctor's office! I'm nervous, but am excited at the opportunity. I was starting to get to be hard on myself about not having full time employment again. How much easier life would be if I had a full time income again. This job starts out 26 hours a week, but will be advanced to full time (and they have benefits!) if the person proves themselves. I have no doubt I can get it together and impress the boss!

Pit: Watching Geoff work so hard and be so stressed about money. I am so grateful I've had this time to grieve and grow, but it's time to get back to reality. Life works a whole lot better when I'm giving 100% to the family. I wholeheartedly believe my family needed this time to grow and mature, but we're ready to get back to reality and focus on our goals. They are so much healthier now than they have ever been.

Praise: I am thankful for the vision I now have of my life. Life is wonderful. Even if we're broke, Geoff and I are happy with being with each other and our kids are glad we are their parents. They went back to school today. It's so quiet around the house, it seems so lonely without them. I'm also very grateful for the wonderful human resource woman I spoke with this morning. We hit it off and had a wonderful conversation. She's excited about meeting tomorrow and I think I made a really good impression. I have an interview at 11:00 in the morning. I'm pscyhed about working in an environment like she described. I am thankful for the health of my children. I'm thankful for the pending birth of my cousin Ariel's baby girl. They induced this morning and hopefully she will make her appearance sooner rather than later.

Prayer: I lift up my family to God. I ask that he speak to us all and help guide us on the paths we are one. Every person in this house seems to have grown so much recently. We are all striving to be better people. I have been blessed with such wonderful people to experience and grow with. I pray for my husband and I to grow as parents and my kids to grow as kids. I'm so blessed to have them in my life. I pray for Judy's granddaughter. She's a peach. I pray for all the relatives' babies I've experienced through Facebook. I pray for those who are struggling to find employment. I pray for those that are stuck in a life they hate and have no idea how to get out of it. It's so hard to understand that to see yourself honestly you have to be willing to experience pain and there is a whole lot of pain intolerance in the world.

Peak, Pit, Praise and Prayers - Day 2

Peak: Peak of my day was spending the morning with a dear friend who is having a hard time right now. It makes my heart warm to be able to support someone while they feel so lost. To be the supportive cheerleader in a relationship is a wonderful feeling! I am also thoroughly enjoying the last day with my kids home. They are off to school tomorrow and we have had a lot of good bonding time since I've been off work and Geoff had to close the shop. When I start to question the plan for our lives - because I have no idea where this path is leading - I force myself to remember that we got weeks just to hang out with our kids. We got a lot of good quality time together as a couple, as well as a family. It's amazing at the time and will create countless positive memories.

Pit: I feel insecure today. I can't put my finger on it and don't know why I'm feeling this way, but it's really bugging me. I am super defensive and am trying to grow stronger and focus more on the positive. We have a guest coming for dinner that will hopefully lift my spirits. She always makes me smile.

Praise: I thank God for ensuring that I have all of my needs met. One focus I have tried to enforce on myself, this one is one of my main ones. God gives me what I need and if there is something I want and don't have, I don't NEED it. Forcing myself to admit the status of wants/needs is hard. I so want to be selfish, but I have more than I NEED. In this world, it is so easy to get caught up in what we don't have rather than being thankful for what we are blessed with. I'm coming to realize if you let possessions define you, you will never be fulfilled. That can only be filled with love and acceptance. I am so thankful to be coming to understand this new way of thinking.

Prayers: I pray for my children. I pray they find God and Jesus and develop the kind of relationship with them that I am learning to. I pray for my spiritual growth and understanding. I pray for my 13 year old son's continued growth (he made me so proud today!! He wrote up his 13 goals for the next semester at school!! Awesome!!) I pray for acceptance of who she is and the ability to see how truly beautiful she is to my 11 year old step-daughter. She's a preteen and I know this comes with that age, but I see how truly beautiful she is and just hope she soon realizes how wonderful she is. She lights up the world with her smile and her laugh is one of the sweetest things I have ever heard. I pray for peace within my 9 year old. She was talking about cancer and dying again today. She is trying so hard to understand what took her grandfather away from her. I really believe she might grow up and find a cure for cancer, just so she can help make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else. She's such a bright light in the dark. I pray for my husband's patience. I know I am a pain to be around when I'm feeling insecure, so I pray that he is extra patient with me tonight. I pray for my Sam (he's my pup)- he is having skin issues. I pray for my sisters and mothers. I pray they find peace and happiness within their lives. I pray for my nieces and nephews as they go back to school this coming week. I pray for my nephew who is turning 15 this month. Man, these kids grow up too fast. I pray for all the doctors and nurses out there treating the ill. I pray for knowledge and guidance to help heal the people. I pray for the homeless and hope they find somewhere warm to sleep and food for their stomachs.

Peak, Pit, Praise and Prayers - Day 1

Peaks, Pits, Praises and Prayers Journal. 1. Peaks of the Day: The highlights. The good moments. Something overall positive that happened during the day. 2. Pit of the Day: The low point of the day. But, rather than just complaining about it, a way that looking back at it can be positive or a blessing in disguise. 3. Praise: Simply praising God for specific things that happened 4. Prayers: Prayer requests that may have arose from the new day

Peak of the day: Kissing my husband at midnight. Seeing my kids laughing and having a good time celebrating the new year with us.

Pit of the day: Geoff's back hurting. He works so hard and tries so hard. I hate when he hurts. He seems to be feeling somewhat better and it serves as a reminder that we need to take care of ourselves and not be so lazy.

Praise: I am so thankful for my life and to be surrounded by people who I truly love and who truly love me. We are growing so much as a family and I am so grateful to be a part of that.

Prayers: prayers for Geoff and his back. Prayers for my 13 year old son's personal growth. Thankful for the revelation of the positive parenting techniques we have learned. Prayers for my 11 and 9 year old daughters. It was tough growing up when I was their age 20+ years ago, but I find it so hard to live as an adult in this world, I can't imagine going through what they have to go through. Information is so readily available and I pray that parents (especially me and Geoff) learn positive ways to use the information highway and help educate our children in how to use that information. I pray for personal growth in myself and family. I pray for the strength to fight the urge to try to control my and my family's future. I pray for the acceptance of God's will and to live for him, not ourselves.  I pray for my extended family- My sisters to find their strength in God and learn to trust him completely. I pray for my mothers in their separate endeavors. I pray they come to understand and know God on a personal, intimate level. I pray for my husband to expand his willingness to open himself to God. I pray my children come to know God and Jesus on a level unprecedented. I pray for the strength to become the woman God made me to be. I pray for strength to understand where God is talking and where I am trying to have my own way. I pray for all those affected by disease and lift them up. I pray for understanding and acceptance of the life I was meant to lead. I pray for all the women out there that have no idea what it is like to love themselves. I pray for all the children, keep them safe and healthy. I pray for our politicians. I pray we learn to love each other and accept unconditionally. I pray for understanding and tolerance between the nations. I pray for all the soldiers serving our country. I pray for their leaders, the ability to make sound ethical decisions. I pray for the health of everyone I know. I pray for joy to fill their lives.

Waiting until I was 33 to grow up has all sorts of consequences. My father's not around to see all the wonderful changes I've made in my life. I finally have a job that I love and loves me back, just as much. My husband and I don't argue, my children are all becoming successful in school. I feel like my biggest cheerleader moved on and didn't get the see me finally score the winning touchdown.
My heart is still heavy from the loss of Lauren and my father. Thinking of the approaching Thanksgiving puts panic in my heart. I don't want another Thanksgiving. I want to have the last one be the memory of "Thanksgiving". My father was alive and Lauren was playing happily with toys I bought all day (much to the dismay of her mother).
I feel like I have outgrown who I was and am still adjusting to living life in the new way. No more anger, no more resentment. Each day holds hope and joy.